Day 31 - Reflection...

Today is the conclusion of 30/30 - a poem a day challenge... I'll be honest, at first I thought I wouldn't be able to do it...there are some days were I doubled up, but that was more my fault than anything... At any rate, this experience opened my eyes to a side of myself and my writing that I've never seen... And I know that I am capable of writing a poem a day for a long time... This challenge has inspired me to continue this and develop it into another poetry book...so I will prob do this til the end of 2009 for the book... Hopefully I won't drive myself insane in the process...lmao...

I mentioned to "she that will remain nameless" that I did not want to turn out like the guy off of secret window who was talking to the man that really didn't exist... Yep, I see me, but crazier...ha... I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who stuck in there with me and read my work everyday... It made me realize that I have a lot of points to get across...lol

They say I have a gift... And I say... I guess I do... And I will always use my gift to inspire, motivate, entertain, relate, strengthen, empower, and inspire those around me... This is only the tip of the ice berg...

I know everybody's wondering about the novel... Please be a little more patient with me... It's going to be finished very soon... And its well worth the wait... I'm a perfectionist and I want my first novel to be perfect so all the next ones can be even better...

Again, thank you for supporting me and my writing... This was a very humbling experience... I'm glad I stood up to the challenge...

Peace,
-Sean

Day 30 - Endlessly...

If every time
I think of you
I am filled
With pain
And a piece of me
Dies
What happens when
I think that
Last thought
And finally
Waste away
And I'm left
Wondering
Did you ever
Think about me
The way I thought
About you...
Endlessly.
______________________
30.5 Endlessly (2)

I can feel you...
When I close my eyes
Your presence
Is constant
Like the thoughts
That flow
Throughout my mind
About you
I feel you
Wondering who or what
Brings the smile
To my face everyday
Its the simplicity
In life
The unconditional love
And respect
That I have
For myself
That keeps me smiling
I hear your voice
A distant whisper
Of the past
Asking me...
Why I didn't smile for you
Like I do today
And my answer is simple...
My smile for you
Went away
When the reason why
I smiled
Became the reason why
I cried
And I finally started
To embrace the fact
That my life is
A story of a love untold
The love for self
Endlessly.

Day 29 - Calculated Homicide...

Our life together
Has been planned
From day one
I took your personal goals
My personal goals
And our dreams
Of the future
Put them together
And plotted all the points
That would lead us
To forever
It seemed like
A perfect plan
Faultless
And without fail
There was only one problem
Halfway through the blueprint
I broke her heart
Like clockwork
It was a calculated homicide
Unintentionally, of course...

Day 27 - Apologize & Day 28 - I listen...

#27 - Apologize

I never saw life
Without you
Until it became
The harsh reality
That I have
To deal with
As each day passes
I took for granted
The person you were
In my life
Due to the circumstances
Of us
I didn't expect you
To always be there
I knew in my heart
You'd always be there
Because that's where
You've been
From the day
That life
Was breathed into
My lungs
And my journey
Was set
To the coordinates
Of your soul
The pain I feel
Is justified
Simply...
I brought it on myself
One of the downfalls
Of being human
We all make mistakes
And we all wish
To be forgiven
And though there are things
You will never forget
That I've done
Just know
That I love you
I've always loved you
And I'll keep loving you.
That...
I will never
Apologize for.
____________________
#28 - I listen...

I listen to the things
You tell me
Even when you're not speaking
The silent conversations
Are as important
As the ones
Spoken out loud
I pay attention
To the subtle cues
Like that look
In your eyes
When you just want
Comfort
And to be held
Or the extra umph
You put in your step today
Exuding your sex appeal
Like you want to go to work late
On purpose
What about that small sigh
You let out
That prompts me to ask,
"Baby, what's wrong?"
When, nothing's really wrong
You just like the satisfaction of knowing
You have all my attention
I listen...
To the way your body talks
In that language
When it feels good to you
So I give it to you
Until your mouth speaks
Those words
Of pleasure, ecstasy
And defeat...
"Baby, I'm about to..."
As those silent
Thoughts, sounds, and feelings
Spill into the room
Creating the perfect melody
Enticing my senses
See...
I listen.

Day 26 - Lost (2)

Traveling
In this world
Alone
I am lost
Without you.
My thoughts
Are scattered
And unfinished
My heart aches
From the void
In my soul
It is a feeling
Of emptiness
With no end
And I realize...
I am nothing
Without you.

fin.

Day 25 - Directions...

*this one is long, but my fav out of all the ones I've written this month...it was inspired by a meditaion I had on the way home today...*

I asked God
For directions
And he gave me
A compass and a book
And told me
That the compass
Will guide me through life
And to write in the book about my experiences
I asked,
How will I know when its time
To stop writing?
He told me...when the time came, I'd know
And to just do what I was told
And stop questioning everything
So much
To just live and be
And let life do the rest
So, with my compass
And book in hand
I did what I was told...
I chased the stars
I achieved my dreams
I weathered the storm
I cursed
I prayed
I was happy, sad...
And everything
But...
I overcame every obstacle put in my way
Because I was driven
By that compass
That was my guide
Through life
And the empty pages
Of my book
That had yet to be filled
Until that day...
I reached the end of the book
And the compass stopped.
I was frustrated, a little
Because I expected something
Spectacular to happen...
I stood there for a minute
Eyes closed, in deep thought...
When I opened my eyes
I looked down and saw a little soul
Standing in front of me
He looked just like me...
He strectches his arms out towards me
I didn't have anything to give him
All I had was a compass
That didn't work
And a book with no more clean pages
So...
I handed him the book
He smiled and said
Thank you Daddy
For giving me life...
In that moment, I realized
That throughout my life
I was writing the blueprint
For my seeds to follow...
So they wouldn't make the same mistakes
I made...

Day 24 - Fakes...

There's nothing
Authentic
About you
The life you live
Is a life
You created
From TV, magazines
Fables passed down
And...
The internet
When you look
In the mirror
Do you even recognize
The eyes that are staring back
You made yourself
Based on what others think
And what they say
So what parts of you
Are real?
Your life
Is as fake
As that coach bag
On your shoulder.

to be continued...

Pain...

"So many of us are trying to heal from the pain others have caused, that we forget to heal from the pain we've caused ourselves..."

-Sean

Day 22 - This Love & Day 23 - Exposed

This Love

This love
Is new
But feels so familiar
It reminds me
Of the love
From my past
Bringing back
All the memories
The happiness, the joy,
The pain, the sadness,
The heartache, the struggle
The "I love you's"
And "I'm sorry's"
The arguments, the fights
The awkward silent moments
Left for the imagination
To fill in the words
And re-create the actions
I am reminded
Of the moments of intimacy
The love making
The way I felt
Looking into your eyes
But...its not
This love
Is new
With remnants of the past
Underneath
So strong
That I already feel like
I'm giving you
A second chance
And we've only
Just begun.
____________________
Exposed

You
Are so self-centered
Or you pretend to be
So much
That you don't even notice
The people you've stepped on
For your own personal gain
For your own selfish satisfaction
You complain about a love
That you want
But others aren't
Giving you
But don't know how to act
The moment you get it
I pity you
Because you restrict yourself
Behind your own rules
Regulations and boundaries
The moment
Someone steps
Outside that boundary
Either by something done
Or said
You quickly move on
To the next
With no explanation
Or hesitation
But what's even sadder
Is that the "next"
Has been there the whole time
Impatiently waiting
For the mess up
Behind the scenes
Only to gloat about the prize
Like love and feelings are a game
Maybe its a game to you
But to me, that's hardly the case
I'll only be your fool once
Because I know
That your narcissistic cycle
Will never end
Until you officially grow up
And realize what you're doing
Don't worry,
Your secret's safe with me.

Day 21 - I Live...

If I could
Relive
A moment in time
It would be
When our eyes met
All motion stopped
Everyone and everything
Disappeared
It was only you and I
My heart skipped
A beat
And that beat
Was your heart
Echoing
The perfect rhythm
My mouth opened
And the breath
Escaped my lungs
I was speechless
Overcome by the
Overwhelming feeling
Of forever
That I saw
When our eyes met
In that moment
Over and over
I live...

Day 20 - My Best...

Through all
The ups and downs
The side to side
And in between
All the false promises
Of happiness
Out of everything
That has happened
I know that you
Will always
Be there
In my corner
By my side
Always trying
To protect me
Because I'd give my everything
To protect you
You give me the truth
When I don't want it
And make me see the real
When my mind tries to sell you
Those big dreams of
"She is the one" [lmao]
One of the only women
I love
More than anything
In this world
She is
My best...


*for my best...N.D.A.*

Day 19 - Sinful...

I lust...
For her body
More
Than her beauty
At times
I could care less
What she looks like
I just want
To indulge myself
In her
Over and over
Until my selfish cup
Runs over
Some would call it
Gluttony
I call it...
Getting mine
I dare not share her
Not even with
Herself
I'm greedy, none the less
So sue me
Too proud to tell her
That I love her
I mean
I really do
I guess...
At times I resent her
For being so beautiful
And having beautiful thing
With my envious mind
That idles at times
And I wonder...
Where she is
Who she's with
And where she's going
Often times, evoking
Anger and rage
From the depths
Of my spirit
Unleashing my wrath
Upon her
Even when
She doesn't deserve it
She tells me
She loves me
All the time
But I brush it off
Indifferent...
With a slothful soul
I only want
Her body
Her beauty
And everything else
Is secondary.

Day 18 - Time...

They say
Time heals
All wounds
But what if
You run out
Of time
Trying to heal
A wound
That keeps being
Opened, exposed
And damaged?
Fresh bandages
Don't stand
A chance
Once the open wound
Has been
Infected
And spreads
Making you numb
And immune
To the feeling
That caused
The wound
In the first place.

Day 17 - Reflection

I sit
And reflect
Listening
To the sounds
Of the silence
That surrounds me
And envelops me
In an embrace
Of comfort
The solitude
That accompanies me
Is my solace
And I realize
That I
Am at peace.

Day 15 - Stalker and Day 16 - Wrong

Stalker

I changed my name
Changed my number
But I still
Can't seem
To get rid
Of you.
You tormented me
In a past life
And stalk me
In the present
I promise
You will be
Completely eradicated
In the future
Never to be spoken of
Again.
_____________________

Wrong

Pure
Unconditional
Forever enduring
The love that I have
For you
No restrictions
No restraints
No hesitation
No second thoughts
I love you
An understood feeling
Between us
That the rest of the world
Constantly throws shade at
They say I'm wrong
For loving you
The way I do
I guess I'll be wrong
For the rest
Of my life
Because loving you
From day one
Has always
Been right.

Day 14 - Enough

My mind
Is beyond tired
Of the harsh words
Thoughts, statements
Comments, and remarks
You make
Both in and out of anger
My body
Is fed up
With the bruises
You inflict
When I don't do
What you say
Or acquiesce
To your physical
Commands
My heart
Is done aching
From the feelings
Of worthlessness
Emptiness, pain
Sadness and anguish
My soul
Is sick
Of the captivity
You have confined it to
Just because you think
I won't leave...
Today is the day
That my mind, heart, body and soul
Align
And decide together
That
Enough
Is
Enough
I don't need you.

Day 13 - Bullshit...

The bullshit
You spit
In my ear
Camouflaged as
Sincere feelings
Travel over my brain waves
Discarded
And filtered down
Still in complete sentences
To my heart
Heartbeat accelerates
As my love organ
Attempts to process
The bullshit
But can't...
So it continues
To pass through
My system
Only to find itself
Exiting from the rear
Because the toilet
Is the only thing
That has room for
The bullshit
That you spit.

fin.

Day 12 - Antagonist

Life...
Is disappointing
So please don't stress yourself
About disappointing me
Because nine times out of ten
I'm already disappointed
So when it happens
Your words and actions
Have the same disappointing
Sad ending
As they did in the beginning
So I'm not surprised
Or hurt
Because I already knew
You'd disappoint me
Its a lifeless routine
With the same outcome
I don't have any expectations
Because they lead
To more disappointment
I only really had one...
For you to be yourself
At all times
And of course, here goes
The disappointment
How could you mess up
Something so simple?
The authenticity in being yourself
Is never a disappointment.

Day 11 - Unfinished moments...

We are through...
So why do I feel
Compelled
To keep you close
And love you
Like I do
Maybe due to
Lack of closure
Or the abruptness
Of how we ended
Or maybe...
Just maybe
I love you that much
Enough to mend
My heart
With this homemade
Temporary adhesive
So that I can be
Who you need me to be
Maybe something
Is indeed better than nothing
When it comes to you
I digress...
One day
I'll figure it out
One day
I'll get my head out the clouds
And face the reality
Of today
Rather than looking at the
Big picture
With its perfect ending
Hoping that one day
You'll come back
To me...
To us
And realize
That we are...
No more
But I can't...
Not as long
As these unfinished moments
Still exist.

Day 10 - Sweetest drug

One taste
Of her nectar
I was hooked
In an instant
I became a fiend
For her love
With no desire
To be cured
I was addicted
To her
She is...
The sweetest drug.

Day 9 - Overtime

I need a break
From this so-called
Life
But I was just informed
Of the mandatory
Overtime.

Life never stops...

Day 8 - Jump...

Standing close
To the edge
You look over
Into the abyss
Wondering how long
The drop is
Before you hit the ground
Hesitant to enter
A world
Unknown to you
To think thoughts
That never crossed
Your mind
To feel feelings
That are new
To your heart
To experience
The one thing
You've been searching for
Your whole life
Go ahead
Jump...
I promise
I'll catch you.

Day7 - You don't love me...

I took a deep breath
And looked into those eyes
That stared back at me
And said,
If you give me
A chance
I can show you
Better than I can tell you
That you have always been
My number one
Your eyes pondered
Trying to digest
What I've said
Probably remembering
All the times
I put you aside
To do and be with
Someone else...
I digress,
It is by no fault of my own
That I am so detached
From you
And from us
I'm trying to love you
The way that you should be
It just takes time...
Turning to face me
You took a deep breath
Of your own
Inhaling the breath
That I exhaled
Taking in the remnants of me
And into those eyes,
That stared back at you
You said,
You don't love me enough...

The mirror never lies.

Day 6 - Reality

Maybe if I stopped
Loving you
I wouldn't feel so
Incomplete
And realize that
All I need in this life
In this life
To be complete
Is me.

Day 5 - Write to live...

A life
As blank
As the canvas
I use
To paint
The vivid pictures
And images
With these words
Only equipped
With paper
And pen
I carve,
Sand,
And chip away
Like a carpenter
I perfect my craft
And I write
With precision
Giving hope
To the hopeless
Fortune
To the less fortunate
And life
To the lifeless
I write
To live.

Day 4 - The pawn

Moving forward
One step
At a time
Never moving backwards
So the past
Remains unseen
And forgotten
Simply because
When I look towards
The future
And see what's in front
Of me
All I see
Is the end
Of the game
Hoping that I make it
To the Queen
As other pieces
And players are chosen
Over me
Moving quicker
Or faster
In more intricate motions
Than just
Moving forward
One step
At a time
And one by one
Each piece
Is lured
Conquered
And pushed to the side
By you
I wait patiently
And watch you play
This game
Until its my turn to
Move.
Forward.
Check mate.

Day 3 - Pitiful soul...

A pitiful soul
Is not really
Pitiful
Just tempered
And reserved
Taking just a few more
Seconds
To think things
Through
Taking a few more
Moments
To enjoy
This thing called life
Understanding that time
Has no time limit
So precious
It has to be cherished
And not taken
For granted
A tempered soul
Reserved
And serene
Taking a little bit
More time
To care
To feel
To love.

30/30 Day 2 - The good...

Why is it
That people always
Remember the bad things
You've done
Before they even
Acknowledge
The good
In you
That one mistake
Never forgiven
Never forgotten
No matter how much
People try
And convince you
That they have
They always find a way
To bring it up
Once more
Attacking and badgering
The good in you
Because the good things
Actions, words
And everything in between
Is never
Good enough.

30 poems in 30 days... Day 1 - She never...

She never had to
Say a word
Because I already knew
Exactly
What was on her mind
I knew
Her every
Mental step
A connection
That was formed
The moment
Our eyes met
Telling the story
Of our lives
And a love
That will last
Forever

This month's challenge is 30 poems in 30 days... I realize that there are 31 days in august, but day 31 will be a reflection of this experience... I hope you all enjoy...