Dear Love...

Dear love…
I never thought
I’d ever feel this way
Again in life
Because the pain that I carry
Is so deeply embedded
In me
That you can’t even see it
You just feel it
I wear it like a cloak
Or maybe a ball & chain
Holding me down
While I attempt
To keep moving forward
Ready to hold you
In my embrace
To touch your face
Kiss your lips
Hold you close
And inhale your scent
Afraid to exhale
Because I never want
To let you go

Dear love…
I want to love you
To finally be able
To release myself
From the shackles
Of myself
I’ve held back
For so long
Because no one really
Appreciates me
Like you do
You bring out the best in me
When all I see
Is the worst in me
You inspire me
You give me a reason
To be a better me
For a better life
For us…


Dear love…
Let me love you
It’s all that I have left
To give…

100110

peace.

my drug of choice...

this drug
has been in my life
for decades
i just can't kick
this habit
i need her...
she's been in my life
so long
i can't leave her
the high that i feel
each time
i take a hit
over
and over
and over
trying to surpass
that first high
sometimes reaching it
sometimes not...
but always willing
to try again
i wake up in the middle
of the night
just to have her
she's probably been
the reason
for some of the breakups
but that's okay
because i know
she'll never leave me
my drug of choice
i ingest this drug
day in
and day out
each time i pick up
my pen
and paper
writing...
i just can't get enough.


050510

Loving...

The ability to love someone else directly stems from being able to love and accept yourself first. Of course, one can pretend and go through the motions, but only that lasts for so long... When you love yourself wholeheartedly and 100% then you can manage loving yourself and someone else at the same time... Because when the love is reciprocated, it can be used as the strength you need to go through each day with your head held high, floating off the feeling and knowing that there is someone who loves you unconditionally, and you are capable of returning that love because you love yourself...

It's the love of others that can fuel or inspire you to do greater things in life...the simple fact of knowing that the future will be much better than the present makes life worth living. It makes each breath taken not seem in vain. True friends and lovers love despite everything...there are no conditions on love, either you do or you don't... And if you have the ability to put restrictions and conditions on the who, where, when, why, and how someone loves you, then you are truly missing out on the beauty of it...

Everyone is scared sometimes, it's a valid feeling...we must overcome that fear and love, even if it hurts... The more you love, the more you extend and expand yourself as a person, then you will be able to understand love on the many different levels... But first, you must love yourself enough to be able to use all your senses and realize the types of love you need, want, and desire... And also realize that the love you want may not be as nurturing and fulfilling as the love you need...

Everyone is equipped and capable of loving and being loved... We must love ourselves enough to open those doors and embrace the love we're given, but also be wary of the lust and negativity that can disguise itself as love... You have the right to know why someone loves you, just don't over analyze and/or scrutinize the relationship... It may be something as simple as someone listening while you talk, or calling to check on you... Or just being there no matter what...

Everyone in this world does not wish to see you happy and they do not have your best interest at heart...you must be able to read that in people and stay away from it, because they will try and break you down from the inside out... That's why there are so many damaged and broken hearts and souls wandering around now...

I can go on and on, but I'll close with this thought... Do something good for yourself everyday...love like its never going to end...feed off of the positive energy around you and get rid of all/everything that is negative and harmful to your spirit... Don't sell yourself short just because you fear a new love... The love has always been there, just waiting to be discovered, starting with the love that resides inside you...

Peace.

Proposal...

Eyes exchange
Personified notes
Sneaking away in fantasies
Unlocked in the mind
By feelings felt
From deep within
Feelings that bleed
From the heart
In between the staggered
Staccato like beats
As I stare
Into
Those eyes...
Palms begin to sweat
I think I'm nervous
But yet...
I have to remember
Not to forget
My lines
I rehearsed them
Day and night
Waiting for this moment
Mind in torment
Hoping that your response
Would be
The release
To my soul
Held captive
By a consciously
Unconscious thought
Inconspicuously hovering
Over me
Like the night shadows
That loom
When the sun clocks out
And the moon clocks in
For the night shift
I held back this feeling
For so long
Countless days of courting
Endless nights of love making
Making the love we share
A connection
That surpasses the lust filled
Undertones of sex
Visions of a family
As you give birth
To the seeds
That will carry on my legacy
Pictures of perfection
That have lead us to
This moment
When I stare into
Those eyes
Take a deep breath
Inhaling your spirit
As you exhale
Take your hand and ask,
Baby, will you marry me?

101609

The Allure...

The voice
In my head
Is telling me
That I need
To get my shit
Together
And be a man
About it
Asking all these
Questions...like
Why did you do it?
Why did you say that?
Where were you when...?
Why didn't you do more?
And
What are you going to do about it now?
All questions
That I can't
Thoroughly answer
I don't have a rebuttal
With any kind of substance to it
Other than
I don't know
I could scream my dedication
Off the highest building
Write infinite poems and sonnets
Or even simply...
Just say how I feel
Attempting to communicate
Through the hidden barrier
That now lies between us...
But what does that solve
If the outcome is not
What it's supposed to be
Nothing more than a misguided soul
Stuck with a bunch of
Unanswered questions
What if's
And shoulda, coulda, woulda's
Traveling on a road
Of uncertainty
And instability
Hoping that tomorrow
Holds something much better
All in the name
Of love.

090109

Day 30 - Endlessly...

If every time
I think of you
I am filled
With pain
And a piece of me
Dies
What happens when
I think that
Last thought
And finally
Waste away
And I'm left
Wondering
Did you ever
Think about me
The way I thought
About you...
Endlessly.
______________________
30.5 Endlessly (2)

I can feel you...
When I close my eyes
Your presence
Is constant
Like the thoughts
That flow
Throughout my mind
About you
I feel you
Wondering who or what
Brings the smile
To my face everyday
Its the simplicity
In life
The unconditional love
And respect
That I have
For myself
That keeps me smiling
I hear your voice
A distant whisper
Of the past
Asking me...
Why I didn't smile for you
Like I do today
And my answer is simple...
My smile for you
Went away
When the reason why
I smiled
Became the reason why
I cried
And I finally started
To embrace the fact
That my life is
A story of a love untold
The love for self
Endlessly.

Day 29 - Calculated Homicide...

Our life together
Has been planned
From day one
I took your personal goals
My personal goals
And our dreams
Of the future
Put them together
And plotted all the points
That would lead us
To forever
It seemed like
A perfect plan
Faultless
And without fail
There was only one problem
Halfway through the blueprint
I broke her heart
Like clockwork
It was a calculated homicide
Unintentionally, of course...

Day 27 - Apologize & Day 28 - I listen...

#27 - Apologize

I never saw life
Without you
Until it became
The harsh reality
That I have
To deal with
As each day passes
I took for granted
The person you were
In my life
Due to the circumstances
Of us
I didn't expect you
To always be there
I knew in my heart
You'd always be there
Because that's where
You've been
From the day
That life
Was breathed into
My lungs
And my journey
Was set
To the coordinates
Of your soul
The pain I feel
Is justified
Simply...
I brought it on myself
One of the downfalls
Of being human
We all make mistakes
And we all wish
To be forgiven
And though there are things
You will never forget
That I've done
Just know
That I love you
I've always loved you
And I'll keep loving you.
That...
I will never
Apologize for.
____________________
#28 - I listen...

I listen to the things
You tell me
Even when you're not speaking
The silent conversations
Are as important
As the ones
Spoken out loud
I pay attention
To the subtle cues
Like that look
In your eyes
When you just want
Comfort
And to be held
Or the extra umph
You put in your step today
Exuding your sex appeal
Like you want to go to work late
On purpose
What about that small sigh
You let out
That prompts me to ask,
"Baby, what's wrong?"
When, nothing's really wrong
You just like the satisfaction of knowing
You have all my attention
I listen...
To the way your body talks
In that language
When it feels good to you
So I give it to you
Until your mouth speaks
Those words
Of pleasure, ecstasy
And defeat...
"Baby, I'm about to..."
As those silent
Thoughts, sounds, and feelings
Spill into the room
Creating the perfect melody
Enticing my senses
See...
I listen.

Day 26 - Lost (2)

Traveling
In this world
Alone
I am lost
Without you.
My thoughts
Are scattered
And unfinished
My heart aches
From the void
In my soul
It is a feeling
Of emptiness
With no end
And I realize...
I am nothing
Without you.

fin.

Day 22 - This Love & Day 23 - Exposed

This Love

This love
Is new
But feels so familiar
It reminds me
Of the love
From my past
Bringing back
All the memories
The happiness, the joy,
The pain, the sadness,
The heartache, the struggle
The "I love you's"
And "I'm sorry's"
The arguments, the fights
The awkward silent moments
Left for the imagination
To fill in the words
And re-create the actions
I am reminded
Of the moments of intimacy
The love making
The way I felt
Looking into your eyes
But...its not
This love
Is new
With remnants of the past
Underneath
So strong
That I already feel like
I'm giving you
A second chance
And we've only
Just begun.
____________________
Exposed

You
Are so self-centered
Or you pretend to be
So much
That you don't even notice
The people you've stepped on
For your own personal gain
For your own selfish satisfaction
You complain about a love
That you want
But others aren't
Giving you
But don't know how to act
The moment you get it
I pity you
Because you restrict yourself
Behind your own rules
Regulations and boundaries
The moment
Someone steps
Outside that boundary
Either by something done
Or said
You quickly move on
To the next
With no explanation
Or hesitation
But what's even sadder
Is that the "next"
Has been there the whole time
Impatiently waiting
For the mess up
Behind the scenes
Only to gloat about the prize
Like love and feelings are a game
Maybe its a game to you
But to me, that's hardly the case
I'll only be your fool once
Because I know
That your narcissistic cycle
Will never end
Until you officially grow up
And realize what you're doing
Don't worry,
Your secret's safe with me.

Day 21 - I Live...

If I could
Relive
A moment in time
It would be
When our eyes met
All motion stopped
Everyone and everything
Disappeared
It was only you and I
My heart skipped
A beat
And that beat
Was your heart
Echoing
The perfect rhythm
My mouth opened
And the breath
Escaped my lungs
I was speechless
Overcome by the
Overwhelming feeling
Of forever
That I saw
When our eyes met
In that moment
Over and over
I live...

Day 15 - Stalker and Day 16 - Wrong

Stalker

I changed my name
Changed my number
But I still
Can't seem
To get rid
Of you.
You tormented me
In a past life
And stalk me
In the present
I promise
You will be
Completely eradicated
In the future
Never to be spoken of
Again.
_____________________

Wrong

Pure
Unconditional
Forever enduring
The love that I have
For you
No restrictions
No restraints
No hesitation
No second thoughts
I love you
An understood feeling
Between us
That the rest of the world
Constantly throws shade at
They say I'm wrong
For loving you
The way I do
I guess I'll be wrong
For the rest
Of my life
Because loving you
From day one
Has always
Been right.

Day 11 - Unfinished moments...

We are through...
So why do I feel
Compelled
To keep you close
And love you
Like I do
Maybe due to
Lack of closure
Or the abruptness
Of how we ended
Or maybe...
Just maybe
I love you that much
Enough to mend
My heart
With this homemade
Temporary adhesive
So that I can be
Who you need me to be
Maybe something
Is indeed better than nothing
When it comes to you
I digress...
One day
I'll figure it out
One day
I'll get my head out the clouds
And face the reality
Of today
Rather than looking at the
Big picture
With its perfect ending
Hoping that one day
You'll come back
To me...
To us
And realize
That we are...
No more
But I can't...
Not as long
As these unfinished moments
Still exist.

Day 10 - Sweetest drug

One taste
Of her nectar
I was hooked
In an instant
I became a fiend
For her love
With no desire
To be cured
I was addicted
To her
She is...
The sweetest drug.

Day 8 - Jump...

Standing close
To the edge
You look over
Into the abyss
Wondering how long
The drop is
Before you hit the ground
Hesitant to enter
A world
Unknown to you
To think thoughts
That never crossed
Your mind
To feel feelings
That are new
To your heart
To experience
The one thing
You've been searching for
Your whole life
Go ahead
Jump...
I promise
I'll catch you.

Day7 - You don't love me...

I took a deep breath
And looked into those eyes
That stared back at me
And said,
If you give me
A chance
I can show you
Better than I can tell you
That you have always been
My number one
Your eyes pondered
Trying to digest
What I've said
Probably remembering
All the times
I put you aside
To do and be with
Someone else...
I digress,
It is by no fault of my own
That I am so detached
From you
And from us
I'm trying to love you
The way that you should be
It just takes time...
Turning to face me
You took a deep breath
Of your own
Inhaling the breath
That I exhaled
Taking in the remnants of me
And into those eyes,
That stared back at you
You said,
You don't love me enough...

The mirror never lies.

Day 4 - The pawn

Moving forward
One step
At a time
Never moving backwards
So the past
Remains unseen
And forgotten
Simply because
When I look towards
The future
And see what's in front
Of me
All I see
Is the end
Of the game
Hoping that I make it
To the Queen
As other pieces
And players are chosen
Over me
Moving quicker
Or faster
In more intricate motions
Than just
Moving forward
One step
At a time
And one by one
Each piece
Is lured
Conquered
And pushed to the side
By you
I wait patiently
And watch you play
This game
Until its my turn to
Move.
Forward.
Check mate.

Day 3 - Pitiful soul...

A pitiful soul
Is not really
Pitiful
Just tempered
And reserved
Taking just a few more
Seconds
To think things
Through
Taking a few more
Moments
To enjoy
This thing called life
Understanding that time
Has no time limit
So precious
It has to be cherished
And not taken
For granted
A tempered soul
Reserved
And serene
Taking a little bit
More time
To care
To feel
To love.

Does Your Wife Have To Be Your Soulmate?

I feel that your wife SHOULD be your soulmate because there will always be that missing piece of you that lies within your soulmate that your wife does not possess. No matter how much in love you are with your wife, or convinced that she is truly "the one," with a void as deep as missing your soulmate, can you really function and be that spouse that your wife (or husband) needs 100%? At what point will you or your spouse be so overwhelmed with this feeling of incompletion that you or they just up and leave? 5 yrs, 10yrs, 20 or more yrs? Or do we just become content and complacent with not spending the rest of our lives w/our soulmate that we substitute our spouse or partner into that position and just live with it?

I'm sorry, but I'd rather marry my soulmate than have a wife that may never be able to complete me in that way. Until its revealed to me that my soulmate and I are not supposed to be married but just be a presence in each other's lives forever, then I prefer to be by myself...its the safest thing to keep feelings from being misconstrued and/or hurt...I can stand hurting myself, just not bringing pain to others...

I know she's out there though... And I've probably already met her...

Just some thoughts...

Peace.

do you remember this?

*this is from my old diaryland.com blog...eons ago...lol...but the feeling never dies...i posted this to see if [you] would remember... thank you for always being in my corner...it means so much to me...

Saturday, Jan. 04, 2003 - 9:10 p.m.

Have you ever had true passion for someone??? Not like sexual passion, lust, or infatuation...but passion to know more about them??

Passion for their mind?? Passion for their heart?? Passion for their soul??

Would you endure the unthinkable just to fulfill that passion?? Would you give up everything you were just to be by their side, because it means so much??

Would you allow your passion to fuel their passion to know more about you??

When you find your answers, will you let your passion die?? Would your quest be fulfilled...or are the possibilities of passion endless??

Have you ever sat and thought about what your true passions were?? Or how to go about quenching this hunger??

My passion is to know everything I can and more about you...I never knew that there was someone out there almost exactly like me...When I look at your pictures, in your eyes, I see my reflection...It's almost like a small piece of me was hidden inside of you, patiently waiting for our paths to cross...In a past life, we were destined to meet again...I was once your Osiris, and you my Isis...Overcoming every obstacle, victorious in every battle, doing the undoable...A valiant king, with you, my beautiful queen, by my side...Sitting at my right hand with the world under at our feet...And now...


I sit here wondering why sometimes I lose sight of the big picture...I settle for things that I know aren't good for me...and often times I push the important things and people to the back of my mind...Forgetting their importance in my life...forgetting the true meaning of their worth...All for what?? Lust...living out an imaginary life, with an imaginary wife who never loved me to begin with, only to end up with me heartbroken and beating myself up because of it...Insolence clouded my mind...my true perception of people and things was altered...I lost my PASSION for you...All the plans I had made wiped out by a caress that wasn't even true to me...And now...


I sit here wanting to say to much to you...but we haven't talked in so long, how would that make me look?? desperate?? alone?? needy?? My lack of communication has me sitting here writing in this diary now...No need in wallowing in my own self pity...The only thing to do now is make it better...to right the wrong within myself...But...


You probably forgot about me...moved on with your life...you probably think that the smile on the countenance that once admired your strength, your intelligence, your beauty, your elegance is just another "one of those types"...You probably found yourself in a love greater than what I could give you...Fulfilling your every want, your every desire...And now...


Here I am...wondering what could have been...searching for answers to my many questions...Like


Do you ever find yourself thinking about me from time to time??

Do you ever wonder if I'm thinking about you??

Could you see yourself being with someone like me??

What are your passions??

Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?? 10 years??

What inspires you to write??

What do you write about??

How long does it take you to get ready for work or school or to go out??

What keeps a smile on your face??

What's your favorite food??


And so forth...I think about you...I know it's hard to believe, but I do...Trying to do all my research and answer my own questions...fulfill my own passions...sometimes I do, mostly I don't for the one, simple, underlying factor...


My passion is you...