starting over...

somewhere, along this journey
i lost my way
turning back
to pick up the pieces
but finding that
these pieces
had crumbled
into nothing
small as minuscule grains of sand
falling to my knees
ready to give up
wondering how in the world
will i put these pieces
back together
as a point of reference
to try and remember
who i was...
when i started this journey
i realize
that who i was
will always be a part
of who i am
buried under the rubble
of who i wasn't
supposed to be
so i got up
dusted myself off
and decided
to start over.

Day 25 - Directions...

*this one is long, but my fav out of all the ones I've written this month...it was inspired by a meditaion I had on the way home today...*

I asked God
For directions
And he gave me
A compass and a book
And told me
That the compass
Will guide me through life
And to write in the book about my experiences
I asked,
How will I know when its time
To stop writing?
He told me...when the time came, I'd know
And to just do what I was told
And stop questioning everything
So much
To just live and be
And let life do the rest
So, with my compass
And book in hand
I did what I was told...
I chased the stars
I achieved my dreams
I weathered the storm
I cursed
I prayed
I was happy, sad...
And everything
But...
I overcame every obstacle put in my way
Because I was driven
By that compass
That was my guide
Through life
And the empty pages
Of my book
That had yet to be filled
Until that day...
I reached the end of the book
And the compass stopped.
I was frustrated, a little
Because I expected something
Spectacular to happen...
I stood there for a minute
Eyes closed, in deep thought...
When I opened my eyes
I looked down and saw a little soul
Standing in front of me
He looked just like me...
He strectches his arms out towards me
I didn't have anything to give him
All I had was a compass
That didn't work
And a book with no more clean pages
So...
I handed him the book
He smiled and said
Thank you Daddy
For giving me life...
In that moment, I realized
That throughout my life
I was writing the blueprint
For my seeds to follow...
So they wouldn't make the same mistakes
I made...

Day 12 - Antagonist

Life...
Is disappointing
So please don't stress yourself
About disappointing me
Because nine times out of ten
I'm already disappointed
So when it happens
Your words and actions
Have the same disappointing
Sad ending
As they did in the beginning
So I'm not surprised
Or hurt
Because I already knew
You'd disappoint me
Its a lifeless routine
With the same outcome
I don't have any expectations
Because they lead
To more disappointment
I only really had one...
For you to be yourself
At all times
And of course, here goes
The disappointment
How could you mess up
Something so simple?
The authenticity in being yourself
Is never a disappointment.

Day 9 - Overtime

I need a break
From this so-called
Life
But I was just informed
Of the mandatory
Overtime.

Life never stops...

Day 8 - Jump...

Standing close
To the edge
You look over
Into the abyss
Wondering how long
The drop is
Before you hit the ground
Hesitant to enter
A world
Unknown to you
To think thoughts
That never crossed
Your mind
To feel feelings
That are new
To your heart
To experience
The one thing
You've been searching for
Your whole life
Go ahead
Jump...
I promise
I'll catch you.

Day 6 - Reality

Maybe if I stopped
Loving you
I wouldn't feel so
Incomplete
And realize that
All I need in this life
In this life
To be complete
Is me.

Day 5 - Write to live...

A life
As blank
As the canvas
I use
To paint
The vivid pictures
And images
With these words
Only equipped
With paper
And pen
I carve,
Sand,
And chip away
Like a carpenter
I perfect my craft
And I write
With precision
Giving hope
To the hopeless
Fortune
To the less fortunate
And life
To the lifeless
I write
To live.

freedom in the eyes...

this is a poem from my 3rd or 4th book of poetry (haven't figured out the rotation just yet) called transItion (i, transition)...for my brothers...

freedom…in the eyes

freedom…
in the eyes
of the black man
is sometimes bleak
and unattainable
but most of the time
it is great
and well within reach
the ability to provide for
and protect his family
by any and all means
it is survival
being able to sustain life
on all levels
freedom…
in the eyes
of the black man
is strength
truth
knowing that
the Kings and Queens
that walk the earth
are the seeds that were
planted in the womb
of the black woman
the motivation and willingness
to lay the foundation
for the future.

061808

life...

i was asked what was one thing that i want people to know about me... and my answer was simple "from the day i was born...i survived life..." so, this post will expand on that sentence...please bear with me... sometimes my feelings get displaced and scattered when i write, but i'll try to stay on task with this one...

when i was born...the umbilical cord was wrapped around my neck and i was blue... not only that, the placenta had become detached from my mother's womb...the doctors told her that if i was born the next day, i wouldn't have made it...i guess that friday was my lucky day...i was 2lbs 7oz, small enough to fit in the palm of someone's hand, just about...with no real hopes and dreams, just struggling to make it to the next day... little did i know...that this wouldn't be the first obstacle, and probably not the last that i would face in my life... i was born premature...two months early, to be exact...i came home in feb of the next year, on my mother's 16th birthday... the start of a childhood that i was robbed blindly of...

as i grew up, i was promised that my mother and father would get married and he, my little sister, my mom, and i would be a family... that's why she gave me his last name... somewhere down the line, that didn't work out, and he ended up marrying another woman and having 4 children with her...they were...a family... he was the father to them that he barely was to us... then he fell off by the wayside and wasn't too much a father to any of us... but i survived...without him playing a major part in my life... my grandmother is my rock, always and forever will be... she made sure that my sister and i had everything we needed and then some while my mother ran the streets, getting high and doing who knows what else... it was rough growing up... seeing your clothes, shoes, tv's, and anything else of value walk out of the house... imagine being young and seeing the kids across the street with your brand new clothes on... clothes that you picked out and loved, but never go to wear... my mother put men above my sister and i... there were times where we wouldn't eat until my grandmother go home from work which would be close to 9 at night...

*note* this blog is not to throw salt on my mom or any of my family for that matter... it's just to get out my thoughts and feelings about what has happened in my past...*

my mother went to jail... the feds got her during a drug bust at the drug dealer's house up the street... i remember i used to play basketball on the court him and his sons built in their back yard every single day... my love for sports started young... we went to visit her while she was in the fed, and it looked like she was changing for the better... she got her GED, was into church, and even looked healthier... better than the skin and bones i was used to... i was proud of my mother that she was getting her act together, and surviving... little did i know that she would just revert back to her old ways when she came back home... *shrugs* i was used to it though... not seeing her for days and days at a time... or seeing her spaced out... aggressive, bug-eyed...crazy... i survived that part of my life... only to be sent through the ringer in my later years...

i wasn't a rambunctious child... i stayed to myself... started writing seriously when i was 9 years old... writing was my friend... the only thing i knew that would not let me down, because i knew that i would never let myself down... i guess that's just the sag in me... there is a period of my life that i am going to call *the gray area* just because... i will never talk about it on here... not that it's too painful...there's just a time and a place for everything... let's just say that it took some time for me to forgive those who wronged me in the ways that they did... but i survived every encounter...

i graduated high school with honors... and went on to college... where i fashioned myself into what i thought i should be, based on the viewpoints and opinions of others... knowing that in my mind and heart, that wasn't who i really was... but just doing it to get by... with the lowest amount of conflict and drama possible... all i wanted to do was just live and be me... but i couldn't' because i honestly didn't know who i was... i was a chameleon, for lack of better terms... i will admit that i assimilated and molded myself into what others thought i should be... that was one of my survival tactics... just do it for now... you won't have to do it forever... just to get to the next level... probably the wrong way of thinking, but it worked... in some areas...not all... but i've always held on to the fabric of who i was...the inner being...

my relationships suffered... a great deal... then things started spiraling out of control and one thing led to another... my girlfriend at the time left me for someone with a better job and more security...someone to keep a roof over her and my kids' heads... more stability... only to find out that it was a front... revealing a woman beater... but, she survived it and left, and i'm proud of her for that... i sacrificed a lot of things, all in the name of love... maybe a little too much... i got evicted from the apartment she left me in... ended up living with one of my co-workers and her boyfriend in a one bedroom apartment... before i moved in with them, i would stay with people on campus... or sleep in my car in one of the well lit parking lots... when it was time for me to go to work on the weekends, i would sleep in my job parking lot after everyone had left for the night... then wake up early and go get something to eat and act like i was coming from "my house" or wherever i was staying... when my residence was that same parking lot... that was 2005, the year i was supposed to graduate... needless to say, i didn't make it across the stage... my car was repo'd 3 months before graduation and i had no way to get back and forth because i barely knew how to ride the bus... my pride wouldn't let me... so i saved my money and got another car... charged fall 05 to the game and decided to keep it moving... because i had survived the lowest point in my life...

when my cousins, who were around the same age as me died in 2004 (mind you, i still to this day have not mourned them...), i asked myself, if i died today, would i be happy with the person i was? and my answer was always no... because i was never at a point of completion... sometimes i feel like i'm still searching for that point, but i know with the changes i've made in my life here recently, i am closer than i've ever been...

by holding on to who i truly was... and surviving life.

peace.