Goodbye, writing...

I remember a time where I used to feel like writing was all I needed in this life... the only thing that made me happy and complete was my abililty to effectively transcribe my thoughts and feelings into poetry, short story, novel...whatever... my motto through life was...

"live to write...write to live...for me, it's like breathing..."

I drive myself insane time and time again because the words scatter across my brain in a state of madness until I focus myself enough to gather these words together and from them into whatever thoughts I needed to get out at the moment...the sense of accomplishment is still the same, no matter what I write...when I finish, I feel a sense of pride...proud because I know that this talent...this gift, as been fashioned throughout the years and is at is peak...I know that there are higher heights and a deeper level somewhere within me...sometimes I'm anxious to reach that level and to open up a new facet of myself... But in the back of my mind, I can't help but to think what will happen when I reach that level? What else will there be to surpass?

At the same time, I feel like it's my writing that is enabling me... in such a way that I live it everyday... I turned to writing because I had no outlet... no one to talk to as a child... it has hindered my ability to effectively communicate myself... with the exception of anger (which I have been working on and have gotten better at controlling), I have a hard time expressing how I feel, or it comes off as passive... I wish I could explain it to where it could be fully understood, but that is impossible... Sometimes I feel like I'm living a lie... what if the reality I live is just some story I'm writing in my head? I have a hard time facing the truth, even when it's in my face... it's cost me a lot... more a feeling of losing myself than anything or anyone else...

So... I've decided to stop writing for a while... I'm going to finish the novel, but after that, I'm done... there was a point in time in my life where I wrote one poem... I had a life...love...a family... I enjoyed things... I feel like, at this rate, I'm going to be some lonley writer whose sole purpose in life is to make people feel better about themselves, even if it takes me sacrificing myself... I've carried the burden of being that "someone" that everyone needs in their life... everyday of my life...

Let's see if I can live without it...

peace.