A Man...In Retrospect

Untouched Soul...

2011-04-13T02:33:00.002-04:00

My second book of poetry, untouched soul has been published... I am more than elated about the book... It didn't take as long as the first one, probably because I was more prepared in terms of material, but every moment always feels like the first... I am blessed to be able to share this gift with the world...

My next project is getting my novel edited...and published...

peace.

Reflection...

2010-12-26T09:52:00.005-05:00

I spent the holiday with my bio family yesterday...I made some observations and thought about how they applied to my life... These observations made me think, doubt myself, sad, angry, frustrated, confused, and everything in between...

Out of everyone in my generation, in my immediate family, I'm the only one without biological children...I have an aunt that doesn't have any kids, often I've wondered how she felt about it... I'm proud of myself and my transition, and I try to be prepared for everything that could happen...sometimes I'm not prepared for my feelings, but I try to work through them as best as I can... Don't get me wrong, I love the children that I have dearly...and they know it, but it was kind of hard being around my family, watching old home movies, and the pronoun/old name slip-ups... I saw my niece and nephew, both of my cousin's kids playing together and it just hit me...I have no kids for them to grow up with... It just made my mind go into overdrive, and it has carried into today...

Realistically, I have to protect my future family, my future kids will know me as their father and it is my choice to disclose to them about my life, but with my family, they will find some way to tell it for me... I don't regret my past, it helped make me who I was... But I'm going to come to a point in life that I won't want anyone to know... Self disclosure is up to self...I've been doing a lot of researching lately, contemplating the next steps in my life... I have so much positive things going on, and this shouldn't be something that I worry about... I'm going to love my kids, regardless. I'm going to adopt kids too... All children deserve a loving, nurturing, supportive family...I will be a great father...

This isn't the only thing that has crossed my mind within the last 24hrs...maybe I'll blog about the other stuff, maybe not... Either way, I'll be alright and everything will work itself out in the end...

peace.

new things ahead...

2010-12-02T18:03:00.002-05:00

seems like i can't decide what this blog will actually hold... so i'm back to putting personal blogs on here... and maybe a few on tumblr... i will probably use this blog for publishing updates as well...

2011 is going to be a great year... for everyone...

my birthday is next saturday...12/11/10...the party is going to be epic...i'm so excited... i haven't had a real birthday party since i was little...lol...last year my brother and a friend came and we celebrated at my apartment...

i'm happy, grateful, and thankful to see any day, let alone another birthday...that is what's most important to me... as i get older, my perspective on life changes, so trivial things are not important to me anymore... i appreciate anyone who comes to my party but like i said, just being able to see the day is present enough for me...

i hope that everyone has a great rest of the year... don't forget to set some goals for 2011 and to write out a 2 year and 5 year plan...it will help you stick to your goals...

peace.

untouched soul...

2010-10-22T15:55:00.002-04:00

the name of my second book of poetry is called "untouched soul"...i feel like it is a collection of poems that are deeper in content and emotions than "soulful eyes"...however, i will always have an attachment to my first book...i love it and will always love it... it's time to take my writing to the next level, and if you can't see the growth from then til now... i don't know what to tell you...lol

i'll keep you guys posted.

peace.

On This Earth...

2010-10-22T15:45:00.000-04:00

I am not perfect
I am flawed
Maybe more than
I wish to acknowledge
I make mistakes
Over and over
Trying to learn from them
But never really grasping
The concept
Sometimes...
Until it's too late
I am human
Made in the image
Of something great
Only to spend a lifetime
Chasing that greatness
Often times falling short
But still making that effort
To do and be better
Than yesterday
I am a product
Of a shattered past
Searching for a love
That will bring me comfort
And a permanent peace
A calm to the chaos
That lies inside
Tucked away in my heart
The tumult
Secretly locked away in my mind
I am a man...
Born naked
Unaware, afraid, and needy
To search this life
And the lives before
For that piece of my soul
Left out on purpose
As a constant reminder
That to truly be complete
And continue
In love, happy, content
And have a peace
Everlasting
That I have to find my compliment
My companion, my life partner
To share this life with
The way the master plan
Has it laid out
No one ever told me
That this was going to be easy
So day and night
I fight for you
I fight for me
I fight for us
To have the chance
To live the rest of my days
Staring into your eyes
The closest to heaven
I'll ever be
On this earth.

100110

peace.

Dear Love...

2010-10-22T15:43:00.000-04:00

Dear love…
I never thought
I’d ever feel this way
Again in life
Because the pain that I carry
Is so deeply embedded
In me
That you can’t even see it
You just feel it
I wear it like a cloak
Or maybe a ball & chain
Holding me down
While I attempt
To keep moving forward
Ready to hold you
In my embrace
To touch your face
Kiss your lips
Hold you close
And inhale your scent
Afraid to exhale
Because I never want
To let you go

Dear love…
I want to love you
To finally be able
To release myself
From the shackles
Of myself
I’ve held back
For so long
Because no one really
Appreciates me
Like you do
You bring out the best in me
When all I see
Is the worst in me
You inspire me
You give me a reason
To be a better me
For a better life
For us…

Dear love…
Let me love you
It’s all that I have left
To give…

100110

peace.

closed.

2010-10-22T15:32:00.002-04:00

i've mostly been on tumblr... catch me there... http://amaninretrospect.tumblr.com/

there is not much many know about me aside from these blogs...i try to open up a little more, but things happen and confirm my reason for not wanting any and everybody close to me... there are few people that know everything about me, and i want to keep it that way... people use things against you... they find out where you're vulnerable and then use it to try to weaken you... there are things that i don't even wish to address within myself...that is an internal issue i'll just have to deal with as time goes by... new people put me on high alert... what are your intentions? i guess that's not a good way to be, but when you've been through as much as i have... then you have no choice but to be... like this.

maybe one day i'll open up... until then, it's safer staying closed.

nobody gets hurt.

peace.

holding on...

2010-07-22T22:22:00.000-04:00

sometimes i feel like i hold on too much…to people, places, and things…even if i really don’t need it, or my heart was broken…whatever. i still hold on…that little piece of hope, that small part of me that still believes... lately, i’ve been letting go of the all the things from the past…pictures, notes, cards, mementos...everything. i don’t need the reminders of love that didn’t quite make it...i don’t need the memories of only being wanted and needed in that moment... i don’t need to remember what was...or how it used to be... because it will never be that way again… it’s like that phrase..."if i knew then what i know now..." would i still have done it? would i still allowed myself to love to that extent... would i have let so much go on with a blind eye?

i guess not all questions are meant to be answered...

missing pieces...

2010-07-04T21:03:00.003-04:00

sn: i started a blog on tumblr...not sure which site i like more... as long as i have a place to vent, then it doesn't matter where... sn over, on to the blog...

i've been thinking a lot lately about myself... not the internal me, the external me... i just want to be seen as a regular guy... just a normal man... i loathe the word transman... i was talking to one of my brothers about that earlier today... i've been a man for quite some time, this isn't some fly by night thing... i may not have looked like one, per say, but it's not how you look, it's about how you feel on the inside... i've always known who he was, i'm just waiting on everyone else to catch up... and frankly, it's getting a little old... i'm over the hype, the shock, the surprise, the wonder, everything...just over it... i am a man of transitional experience...to put a definition on it... maybe after i move somewhere no one really knows me it'll be better... i'm ready to start over... like yesterday.

a long time ago i had the life that i wanted... i was in school, had a job, a fiancee', a family... i was, for the most part, externally happy... my kids were my everything... even though we had a routine from day to day that included getting up, getting dressed, dressing the kids, breakfast, daycare, dropping her off at work, going to school, going to work, then picking everyone up and going home, dinner, kids bath, bedtime, and "mommy & daddy" time...then get up and repeat... except on the weekends, and the every other week that we didn't have them... the point is... i miss having a family to provide for and come home to everyday... i miss doing family things and teaching my kids important things that they will take with them through life... i miss playing with them, the park, the movies, just watching them be innocent little kids that don't know anything about struggle, paying bills, and being an adult... watching them grow up, go to school, do homework, go to programs, games, PTA meetings, etc... (sn: i am not saying that i want my family back, because my kids know that i love them and will always love them, and i have a great relationship w/their mother, the example was for this blog...)

what i'm saying is... i know that there is more to my life that what it is right now... i know that i have a capacity to love that goes beyond an intimate relationship with another adult, a friendship, my immediate family, etc... i feel like i'm missing so much right now being here... alone.

i have missing pieces... and having a family is one of them.

peace.

starting over...

2010-06-20T23:48:00.000-04:00

somewhere, along this journey
i lost my way
turning back
to pick up the pieces
but finding that
these pieces
had crumbled
into nothing
small as minuscule grains of sand
falling to my knees
ready to give up
wondering how in the world
will i put these pieces
back together
as a point of reference
to try and remember
who i was...
when i started this journey
i realize
that who i was
will always be a part
of who i am
buried under the rubble
of who i wasn't
supposed to be
so i got up
dusted myself off
and decided
to start over.

my drug of choice...

2010-05-05T23:13:00.001-04:00

this drug
has been in my life
for decades
i just can't kick
this habit
i need her...
she's been in my life
so long
i can't leave her
the high that i feel
each time
i take a hit
over
and over
and over
trying to surpass
that first high
sometimes reaching it
sometimes not...
but always willing
to try again
i wake up in the middle
of the night
just to have her
she's probably been
the reason
for some of the breakups
but that's okay
because i know
she'll never leave me
my drug of choice
i ingest this drug
day in
and day out
each time i pick up
my pen
and paper
writing...
i just can't get enough.

050510

undeniable truth...

2010-04-22T20:23:00.002-04:00

i never saw my life without you
and i won't start seeing it that way today
tomorrow, the day after that
it wasn't even a thought in my mind
on yesterday
i made my choice
a long time ago
when i realized
the truth.
that i love you
beyond what words
will ever be able
to express
and that is where i am
and will be
forever.

042210

Love...really?

2010-04-20T13:54:00.002-04:00

i know i'm slacking on these blogs, but i have a lot going on in my so called life, so please bear with me... once everything settles down, i'll try to blog more frequently, hmmm let's say once a week...lol

but, this blog is a long time coming... just a small reflection of myself... one of many...but this should give you a little insight to what goes on in my head...so, here goes... *disclaimer* this is my personal blog, this isn't for you...this is for ME...to sort out these thoughts and feelings, and i could give a fuck less what you think...thanks, mgmt* now that that's over...on to this blog...

ever since my first relationship after coming out, i've always been someone's "other"...as in the person was either involved, freshly broken up, or somewhere in the middle... you would think that after all these years i would have learned my lesson, but clearly it seems like this is just going to be a part of me that i won't be able to shake... now, let me just say that i am NO home wrecker... i don't even plan for these types of things to happen... now, i will admit, that a couple i did say, "yeah, i want her, or i'm going to have her," and set my sights on her and did what i needed to do to get her... but overall, i never meant to be someone else's "other"... now, with the exception of the recent ex, even though she was a little crazy, she was not in a relationship with anyone, and she was ALL MINE... i mean, with the others, they eventually were mine, but having a relationship w/someone who is either in a relationship, freshly broken up, or somewhere stuck in the middle is not a walk in the park... the shit is frustrating at times... but, that's just love for you...

i haven't been in one of those relationships in years, but when i sat and thought about the "why" factor, i can only think of one thing... i try my hardest to be that person that others need in their life... friend, confidant, shoulder to lean on...just to let them know that someone will always be there for them... i've ended up w/my heart broken more times than i'd like to admit, but shit happens... i don't seduce, coerce, force, bribe, buy, con, or anything else to be with these people... don't get it twisted... my personality is enough... you can ask them if you like... = ) - i'm sure there will be a consensus in that department... true, we may go out from time to time, but it's just friendly... then, somewhere along the way, friendly crosses the line, and when it does, i don't know how to go back... so we end up being together... breaking up and then going back to being friends... but the WHOLE time, whether friends or lovers, i've always loved them...with all my heart...

maybe it's the "idea" of me that they are curious about... i'm no mystery, but i don't exactly tell all my business either...

idk, maybe one day i'll figure it out... i may edit this later... who knows

peace.

So Far, So Good...

2010-03-11T14:46:00.002-05:00

peace everyone...

i know i haven't blogged in a while, i am going back and forth with blogging on my website, www.soufulbooks.com (which is in the process of being transferred to another domain host), and here, so to avoid repeating everything i have been blogging on my website's blog. i will have to update that once the transfer is completed...

in other GREAT news... i have finally completed my book, "the other"...finally. i am ecstatic about it... so effing excited!!! right now, i am working on editing the book and it's going to the publisher in two weeks... i have decided to publish with a local publisher and i think that's going to be beneficial to me on this road to getting a permanent publishing contract. all good things are still in the works for me, i know this...

i am also having surgery... it is scheduled for April 29th at 10am... i am glad that this step in my life is approaching completion... i have so many wonderful and supportive people in my life so i know that my recovery is going to be smooth and almost painless...lol. my surgeon and her staff are wonderful. nice, kind, and i trust them 100% and know that they are going to take good care of me... i've been working out, so my pecs look pretty good, and i have about 7 weeks so i'm going to continue to work out to get the best results possible... i'm excited like shit!!!!!!!!!!!

oh yeah, i quit smoking... had a relapse (i know...bad.) but i'm back at it and i'm going to stick to it so that i can have the best opportunity for a great healing process after surgery... it's also for health reasons... i have started taking better care of myself so this is just another stepping stone... i'm doing it cold turkey, no patches or gum needed...

this year started off kind of rocky, but it's working itself out... because i have taken the time to think everything through, learn the lessons, and move on... everything happens for a reason...

i am truly blessed.

peace.

the deception in looks...

2010-01-26T10:51:00.001-05:00

everything…is never what it seems…

deep down, inside
she hates the way
she looks
but smiles anyway
to hide truth
the true story
behind the beauty
each night
she looks in the mirror
seeing a monster
sometimes it’s so unbearable
she gets ready for school
in the dark
MAC and Cover Girl
are her best friends
her hair, luxurious
flowing down to her back
but what you don’t know is
that same hair
she has to hold up
as the back of those
pearly white teeth
become stained
with vomit
each night
she sticks her finger
down her throat
to stay skinny
to stay beautiful
hoping…to be loved.

he’s on the corner
day in
and day out
posted…
looking for his next sale
his next hustle
his next big break
he’s a tough guy
of sorts
quick to snatch someone up
if they’re not acting right
he’s always had a reputation
for not taking any shit
his boys think he’s strong
he never wants to be seen
as less than
or weak
and the ladies love him too
willing to do
unspeakable acts
just for the satisfaction
of waking up next to him
when morning comes
but what they don’t know
is that each night
when he finally leaves
the corner
and retires to his sleep
he cries
because he has to sleep
with one eye open
and a gun under his pillow
the uncertainty of living
the life he chose
he says a prayer
for salvation
for deliverance
his faith, never wavering
hoping…that tomorrow will be
a better day

the deception in looks
brings the assumption of one’s character
pre-determined opinions
about who someone really is
without even knowing
their story…

so…what’s your story?

010210

peace.

I Stand Alone...

2009-12-29T20:39:00.004-05:00

A conversation between my sister and I today via text message...

Her: The family is concerned about you, are you ok?

Me: I'm fine...Just deciding to stay to myself for a little bit. Honestly, it's kinda hard being around yall & still being called "old name" and she, when that's not who I am anymore... I know that everyone doesn't understand it or whatever, so I just decide to be alone.

Her: Ok. But I hope you don't expect them to stop treating you like "old name" when that's what they have been doing for 28 years.

Me: All I want is to be addressed correctly. Me changing my name is no different than someone getting married & changing their name.

Her: They will never call you Sean. Are you going to stop talking to them for that?

I never replied back. It's a reason why. Life always has it's way of showing you the truth, whether you want to accept it or not. I've played these scenarios in my head over and over since I stopped being around my family a few weeks ago, hoping that something more would come out of it. Understanding, compassion, effort...something. But this is my family, why the hell was I expecting anything different? Excuse me, was my family. If I could put how I feel right now into words, I would... But, ironically, I feel nothing. Because it just solidifies everything I've been preparing myself for these past few weeks.

I stand...alone. Tall, with my head held high, ready to face the rest of this life and experience everything that it brings. With every disappointment, comes triumph, with every failure comes success, and I will be everything that I am destined to be...with, or without them...

peace.

(un)happy home...

2009-12-26T21:26:00.004-05:00

this is a freewrite...enjoy

every night
she comes home
to a man
she's not in love with
yes, she loves him
but it's not the same
as it used to be.
it's like living
with a stranger
the person who once was
everything
is now...
close to nothing
the essence and wonder
of the love they shared
over the years
has dwindled down
to dry "good mornings"
or not even speaking
to finally end
with the space between them
in the bed
getting wider and wider
as each night passes
the remnants of
and (un)happy home.

everyday he wakes
hoping that his eyes
will meet
that beautiful smile
he once woke up to
each morning
warming, loving, gentle
he longs to feel
the sincerity
in the softness of her lips
each night
before he retires
to his sleep
a hope
that has become as silent
as the moments spent
eating dinner at the table
because that's what
they were used to doing
it has now become routine
not to say anything
not because neither of them
wanted to
but because
there was nothing else
to be said.
nothing else to do
but face the inevitable
of this (un)happy home.

each night
they dream
of someone else
living a life
very different
from the reality
their days and nights
are spent in now
forcing themselves
to live and be
together
because, right now,
no one wants
to face the truth
of loving someone
but not being in love
of failed attempts
at rebuilding
while each day
they constantly stare
at
the end
no one wants to
speak up
or pack their bags
they've invested too much time
energy, and other things
into what they have
so,
what is it exactly?
the foundation
of an (un)happy home.

122609

peace.

Differences...

2009-12-26T19:13:00.006-05:00

Peace to all who take the time out of their days to read my blog... it is greatly appreciated. I hope that this one, like the others, finds a place in your heart or sparks some sort of inspiration...

The blog that I was supposed to post next, I wrote a couple of days ago, addressing a certain someone who seems to revolve his life around what I'm doing in my life... I'll probably never post it, because it isn't even worth stooping to his level anyway...my karma is clear, and that's how I'd like to keep it. The way I feel about it is this...REAL MEN don't hide behind false internet lives and computer screens...I haven't done anything to you but be Sean 24/7, 365 (366 on a leap year) so what's the issue? Maybe one day you'll man up and approach me, I know you have my phone number...I don't have yours because I don't waste memory in my blackberry for idle people and things. What you eat surely does not make me shit, but if you're going to slander my name, make it a good lie, okay? Thanks, CFO.

Now that that's out of the way, we can move on to the point of this blog... I've been thinking a lot about this thing called life, and how different people are, realizing, that often times, our differences are what make us the same...literally. We all have our requirements, but when it comes down to it, everyone wants the same things, just on different levels. Let's take love for an example. No matter how much we've been hurt, or how wrong we've been done...everyone has a desire to be loved. That makes us the same. What makes us different are the levels and intensity of the love we desire. Some of us want to be loved by family, others by friends, and some by our partners. No matter the person, situation, or circumstances...it all comes back to the same underlying factor...love. Another example would be success... we all have a desire to be successful in life, how we reach that success is what makes us different, and also what we would like to be successful doing. I want to be a successful writer and a lawyer...someone else might want to be a fashion designer, or a doctor. Again, different, but we all still want to achieve the level of success that will make us happy.

The point is... yes we come from different backgrounds, lifestyles, enviornments, etc., but we are all still human, we make mistakes, we laugh, we joke, we bleed, we cry (some of us)...and we are still the same. So we should take this common factor and use it to our advantage. If I know someone who is a talented writer, or who is trying to get their work out, I'll send them info...answer any questions, give them any advice I can. What's it going to hurt helping another person reach their goals? It should be a rewarding feeling to know you helped someone accomplish a life aspiration. But, some people make everything in life a competition and can't be helped. I don't deal with people like that. Everyone has a certain level of independence and needs to be able to hold their own at some point and time, but it takes a real grown up to put their pride and ego aside and ask for help or accept the help that they are being given. I'm not saying be some charity case or begger, but if you are going to reciprocate when you get to the top, sometimes you have to do what you have to do. Getting help from someone does not make you less than, unless you are ungrateful...or unappreciative. No real man or woman would take advantage of those who are lending a helping hand, under any circumstances.

If people took the time to step outside of themselves for one moment to do something selfless for another person, out of love and compassion, without looking for anything in return, the world would be a better place. Instead of doing things to bring someone down or knock someone down, reach your hand out and help them up...Instead of talking about one another, get to know someone...you may find a new lifelong friend, rather than an enemy. I do what I do because that's just the type of person I am...those who know me best also know this...I don't expect anything back, because I know my true friends have my back just like I have theirs, no hesitations, second thoughs, what if's or any of that. Money and all that material shit means nothing to me...it hasn't bought me what I've been searching for my whole life, so why should what I do with my money bother anyone else? I go to work everyday to earn my paycheck, at least until these books start making me enough money so I can quit working for somoene else, and start working for myself...lol. I would give all of this up to be in the place that I desire...yes, I'd be broke, but broke and happy as hell... it's just as simple as that.

Okay, people...I just wanted to drop a few lines...I have a cold so I'm going to chill out and continue resting this weekend.

peace.

fix...

2009-12-24T20:48:00.000-05:00

nothing in your life
is close
to being permanent
with the exception
of maybe
your name
but at times
your own identity
and self-worth are shaky
and the choices you make
often times
leave you with
those black spots
as you try and remember
what you did
the night before
but can’t
that large gray area
that could mean anything
under the sun, moon, and stars
as you search for the quick fix
that temporary high
that makes you feel loved
wanted, needed, and accepted
for the person you are
only to come down
frantically searching
for an even better fix
to make the feeling
of the last one
amplified
only to find out
maybe a little too late
that you might be searching
for the rest of your life.

from my next poetry book "untouched soul"

peace.

Honesty...

2009-12-22T09:10:00.000-05:00

In any relationship that I have with someone, whether it's friendship, lovers, etc., I expect a certain level of honesty from that person, because I'm going to be completely honest with them... I don't have the time nor the patience to keep up with a lie...or to keep one going... Don't get me wrong, I have lived a lie, but I won't tell a lie... I'd rather just tell the truth and spare your feelings later... In my eyes, it's just easier that way... Lies leave room for error and more questions...

Example... If I felt my partner slept with someone else and I ask... If they say no, that's their truth... I can doubt and question it, but I would believe them, hoping that they're telling the truth (alliteration...lol). But if we're having an argument and they say "that's why I slept with ______!" that sets off an alert in my head bc I remember when I asked they told me no... So my thoughts would be... Are you saying this to make me mad or to hurt me because you're mad? Or is this the truth and you actually lied the first time? So...I don't know what to believe and then there goes the trust. Right out the fucking window...

I say all this to make a point... Whatever level of relationship I have with you, just be honest with me...even if it hurts... I can't be mad at the truth, and I'll get over it. Don't make it worse by hiding and keeping secrets, because when I'm gone... I'm gone. I don't befriend people I can't trust, nor people I know who don't have my best interest at heart or who aren't really concerned with my well-being... The ones who are just around because they want to see the changes or treat me like I'm some experiment... How about experiment these nuts??? Lol...

I don't like having second thoughts, "in the back of my mind" thoughts, or anything like that... I think about enough shit on a daily basis without all the extras... So, with me, honesty really is the best policy...

peace.

3 Sides...

2009-12-01T09:30:00.001-05:00

**I had to take this down b/c I'm using this to put into an anthology... I'll put it back up soon...**

Thanks,
Sean

satisfied

2009-11-28T23:20:00.000-05:00

she sleeps...
so perfectly in my arms
so peaceful
because she knows
that my arms
protect her
from the world
even when she's not
in my arms
i will always
make sure
that her wants, needs
and desires
are fulfilled
so she returns
to the refuge
and comfort
of my arms
completely
satisfied.

Loving...

2009-11-22T10:58:00.000-05:00

The ability to love someone else directly stems from being able to love and accept yourself first. Of course, one can pretend and go through the motions, but only that lasts for so long... When you love yourself wholeheartedly and 100% then you can manage loving yourself and someone else at the same time... Because when the love is reciprocated, it can be used as the strength you need to go through each day with your head held high, floating off the feeling and knowing that there is someone who loves you unconditionally, and you are capable of returning that love because you love yourself...

It's the love of others that can fuel or inspire you to do greater things in life...the simple fact of knowing that the future will be much better than the present makes life worth living. It makes each breath taken not seem in vain. True friends and lovers love despite everything...there are no conditions on love, either you do or you don't... And if you have the ability to put restrictions and conditions on the who, where, when, why, and how someone loves you, then you are truly missing out on the beauty of it...

Everyone is scared sometimes, it's a valid feeling...we must overcome that fear and love, even if it hurts... The more you love, the more you extend and expand yourself as a person, then you will be able to understand love on the many different levels... But first, you must love yourself enough to be able to use all your senses and realize the types of love you need, want, and desire... And also realize that the love you want may not be as nurturing and fulfilling as the love you need...

Everyone is equipped and capable of loving and being loved... We must love ourselves enough to open those doors and embrace the love we're given, but also be wary of the lust and negativity that can disguise itself as love... You have the right to know why someone loves you, just don't over analyze and/or scrutinize the relationship... It may be something as simple as someone listening while you talk, or calling to check on you... Or just being there no matter what...

Everyone in this world does not wish to see you happy and they do not have your best interest at heart...you must be able to read that in people and stay away from it, because they will try and break you down from the inside out... That's why there are so many damaged and broken hearts and souls wandering around now...

I can go on and on, but I'll close with this thought... Do something good for yourself everyday...love like its never going to end...feed off of the positive energy around you and get rid of all/everything that is negative and harmful to your spirit... Don't sell yourself short just because you fear a new love... The love has always been there, just waiting to be discovered, starting with the love that resides inside you...

Peace.

blind eyes...

2009-11-03T20:56:00.002-05:00

i suffer...
sometimes.
i'm used to it
it reminds me that
i'm human after all
i realize
that i'm not immune
to the feelings
i feel
the thoughts
i think
and the emotions
that escape
my captive heart
and idle mind
i suffer...
sometimes.
because it puts
everything into perspective
and reminds me of
reality.
so i won't keep looking
at life
through blind eyes.

110309

peace.

Her...

2009-11-03T20:49:00.002-05:00

i love her.
i know i do.
without a doubt in my mind
i know she is the one
i dream about her at night
it's the only time i dream
my mind is overcome
with thoughts of her
as it should be
she is my world
my future
my everything
the one i've been searching for
my whole life
i love her.
i know i do
too bad i don't know
who [she] is...

070309

*disclaimer* let's face it...i'll NEVER stop writing...i had a moment... *shrugs* i'm entitled to have one every once in a while...

peace.

Goodbye, writing...

2009-11-01T20:00:00.002-05:00

I remember a time where I used to feel like writing was all I needed in this life... the only thing that made me happy and complete was my abililty to effectively transcribe my thoughts and feelings into poetry, short story, novel...whatever... my motto through life was...

"live to write...write to live...for me, it's like breathing..."

I drive myself insane time and time again because the words scatter across my brain in a state of madness until I focus myself enough to gather these words together and from them into whatever thoughts I needed to get out at the moment...the sense of accomplishment is still the same, no matter what I write...when I finish, I feel a sense of pride...proud because I know that this talent...this gift, as been fashioned throughout the years and is at is peak...I know that there are higher heights and a deeper level somewhere within me...sometimes I'm anxious to reach that level and to open up a new facet of myself... But in the back of my mind, I can't help but to think what will happen when I reach that level? What else will there be to surpass?

At the same time, I feel like it's my writing that is enabling me... in such a way that I live it everyday... I turned to writing because I had no outlet... no one to talk to as a child... it has hindered my ability to effectively communicate myself... with the exception of anger (which I have been working on and have gotten better at controlling), I have a hard time expressing how I feel, or it comes off as passive... I wish I could explain it to where it could be fully understood, but that is impossible... Sometimes I feel like I'm living a lie... what if the reality I live is just some story I'm writing in my head? I have a hard time facing the truth, even when it's in my face... it's cost me a lot... more a feeling of losing myself than anything or anyone else...

So... I've decided to stop writing for a while... I'm going to finish the novel, but after that, I'm done... there was a point in time in my life where I wrote one poem... I had a life...love...a family... I enjoyed things... I feel like, at this rate, I'm going to be some lonley writer whose sole purpose in life is to make people feel better about themselves, even if it takes me sacrificing myself... I've carried the burden of being that "someone" that everyone needs in their life... everyday of my life...

Let's see if I can live without it...

peace.

A Moment In Time...

2009-10-25T20:09:00.000-04:00

There is a moment in time
That everyone waits for
Called the first time..
The only moments in time
That actually stop time
The only moment in time
That really makes a difference
In your life
The first time
When your eyes meet those
Of that special someone
When your lips touch
Forming that first kiss
The first embrace
The first time
You make love
These moments in time
Really mean the most
The first award
The first good grade
Graduation
The start of a lifetime
Of achievements
Things that make you proud
Confident, strong, and empowered
The birth of your
First child
The start of a new legacy
The first time
I love you is uttered
Through nervous and anxious feelings
As the burden of the soul
Is lifted
Because the emotions once
Bottled up inside
Have been relased
For the first time
A moment in time hoped to last forever
We cherish these moments
The only moments in time
That actually stop time.

peace.

protector...

2009-10-25T11:36:00.000-04:00

I try to protect everyone in my life that has ever meant something to me...including family, friends, lovers, et cetera. I realize that sometimes it's not my job or burden to take on, but its embedded in my character... I'm a man of my word, and I don't make promises that I can't keep...it tears me up inside when I want to be there but can't... I hate to see people I love and care about go through senseless drama. I hate to see them sad, crying, upset, worried, or anything negative... I always try to let people in my life know that with me, they'll never be alone, no matter how long it's been since they've talked to them or how far apart we are...

I've been told that with some people that need to show them tough love so that they can realize how wrong they may have treated me or realize how important I am... I don't see it that way...maybe sometimes I should, it would probably save me a lot of feelings somewhere down the line...

I realize that everyone to live their own lives and experience everything that their decisions and choices bring, but what if I can feel that the outcome is not going to be good or bring pain to them? Am I wrong for trying to prevent it? I am faithful and loyal to all, and I don't ask for it in return...because, at the end of days, I have to answer to everything that I've done, not anyone else...

I feel like I'm rambling, so, I probably am...I feel like it doesn't make any sense... But what I do know is... I'll always be the one my friends and loved ones can depend on, and there will never be a moment when I'm not there... protecting them.

peace.

Doubt...

2009-10-18T10:59:00.002-04:00

i don't know
who you are anymore
it gets harder
to say
that when i look at you
in the mirror
each day
that i see the person
who i've been
all this time
because i honestly
don't know who he is
hidden deep
underneath layers of adapting
assimilation
adjusting, agreeing, acquiesing
and appeasing
stuck at a point
of being in between
seeing him
seeing her
seeing them
each time i look
in the mirror
i don't even know
who you are anymore.

070509

Proposal...

2009-10-17T01:17:00.000-04:00

Eyes exchange
Personified notes
Sneaking away in fantasies
Unlocked in the mind
By feelings felt
From deep within
Feelings that bleed
From the heart
In between the staggered
Staccato like beats
As I stare
Into
Those eyes...
Palms begin to sweat
I think I'm nervous
But yet...
I have to remember
Not to forget
My lines
I rehearsed them
Day and night
Waiting for this moment
Mind in torment
Hoping that your response
Would be
The release
To my soul
Held captive
By a consciously
Unconscious thought
Inconspicuously hovering
Over me
Like the night shadows
That loom
When the sun clocks out
And the moon clocks in
For the night shift
I held back this feeling
For so long
Countless days of courting
Endless nights of love making
Making the love we share
A connection
That surpasses the lust filled
Undertones of sex
Visions of a family
As you give birth
To the seeds
That will carry on my legacy
Pictures of perfection
That have lead us to
This moment
When I stare into
Those eyes
Take a deep breath
Inhaling your spirit
As you exhale
Take your hand and ask,
Baby, will you marry me?

101609

boomerang...

2009-10-12T22:39:00.001-04:00

as the cool summer breeze
surrounds me
engulfing me in an embrace
of comfort
and reassurance
i let go of us
putting everything into the wind
to give to the universe
and now
i wait patiently
for you to come back
to me.
even though i know
you never left
i've always carried you
with me
and i always will...
close to my heart
where you belong
with your love resting
next to my soul.

101209

To my brother...

2009-10-11T17:44:00.002-04:00

Rest in Peace... It's crazy that it's been a whole year, but the world has never been the same since you left... You will be forever missed...

Kapri Funderburk
05/30/82-10/11/08

Gone, but never forgotten.

Obviously...

2009-09-30T00:10:00.001-04:00

My heart doesn't always process things
The way my mind does
Sometimes they agree
And other times they are at odds
Or at each other's throat
Because everybody wants
To get their point across
Obviously, each feels that its more important
Than what the other has to say
At times I find difficulty
Trying to decipher
Which one of the two is right
Obviously my thoughts
Make me rational
And my feelings
Make me human
So they clash when its time
To meet in the middle
Traveling down the road of uncertainty
Of curiosity
Of wonder
Heart felt emotions
Overshadow logic sometimes
Forcing me to choose between the two
Obviously, I'm alone in this choice
A choice that I've been making
From day one
Hoping that my unanswered questions
Will get an honest answer
Or maybe form into statements
That I hold on as a friendly reminder
That obviously...
My thoughts have often lead me astray
And obviously my feelings
Are not good enough.

Creation...

2009-09-14T00:40:00.001-04:00

"God made woman from man...so that she would always be apart of him & know what is needed to make him better"

-Sean

The Allure...

2009-09-01T18:06:00.000-04:00

The voice
In my head
Is telling me
That I need
To get my shit
Together
And be a man
About it
Asking all these
Questions...like
Why did you do it?
Why did you say that?
Where were you when...?
Why didn't you do more?
And
What are you going to do about it now?
All questions
That I can't
Thoroughly answer
I don't have a rebuttal
With any kind of substance to it
Other than
I don't know
I could scream my dedication
Off the highest building
Write infinite poems and sonnets
Or even simply...
Just say how I feel
Attempting to communicate
Through the hidden barrier
That now lies between us...
But what does that solve
If the outcome is not
What it's supposed to be
Nothing more than a misguided soul
Stuck with a bunch of
Unanswered questions
What if's
And shoulda, coulda, woulda's
Traveling on a road
Of uncertainty
And instability
Hoping that tomorrow
Holds something much better
All in the name
Of love.

090109

Day 31 - Reflection...

2009-08-31T23:18:00.000-04:00

Today is the conclusion of 30/30 - a poem a day challenge... I'll be honest, at first I thought I wouldn't be able to do it...there are some days were I doubled up, but that was more my fault than anything... At any rate, this experience opened my eyes to a side of myself and my writing that I've never seen... And I know that I am capable of writing a poem a day for a long time... This challenge has inspired me to continue this and develop it into another poetry book...so I will prob do this til the end of 2009 for the book... Hopefully I won't drive myself insane in the process...lmao...

I mentioned to "she that will remain nameless" that I did not want to turn out like the guy off of secret window who was talking to the man that really didn't exist... Yep, I see me, but crazier...ha... I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who stuck in there with me and read my work everyday... It made me realize that I have a lot of points to get across...lol

They say I have a gift... And I say... I guess I do... And I will always use my gift to inspire, motivate, entertain, relate, strengthen, empower, and inspire those around me... This is only the tip of the ice berg...

I know everybody's wondering about the novel... Please be a little more patient with me... It's going to be finished very soon... And its well worth the wait... I'm a perfectionist and I want my first novel to be perfect so all the next ones can be even better...

Again, thank you for supporting me and my writing... This was a very humbling experience... I'm glad I stood up to the challenge...

Peace,
-Sean

Day 30 - Endlessly...

2009-08-30T15:01:00.001-04:00

If every time
I think of you
I am filled
With pain
And a piece of me
Dies
What happens when
I think that
Last thought
And finally
Waste away
And I'm left
Wondering
Did you ever
Think about me
The way I thought
About you...
Endlessly.
______________________
30.5 Endlessly (2)

I can feel you...
When I close my eyes
Your presence
Is constant
Like the thoughts
That flow
Throughout my mind
About you
I feel you
Wondering who or what
Brings the smile
To my face everyday
Its the simplicity
In life
The unconditional love
And respect
That I have
For myself
That keeps me smiling
I hear your voice
A distant whisper
Of the past
Asking me...
Why I didn't smile for you
Like I do today
And my answer is simple...
My smile for you
Went away
When the reason why
I smiled
Became the reason why
I cried
And I finally started
To embrace the fact
That my life is
A story of a love untold
The love for self
Endlessly.

Day 29 - Calculated Homicide...

2009-08-29T22:25:00.001-04:00

Our life together
Has been planned
From day one
I took your personal goals
My personal goals
And our dreams
Of the future
Put them together
And plotted all the points
That would lead us
To forever
It seemed like
A perfect plan
Faultless
And without fail
There was only one problem
Halfway through the blueprint
I broke her heart
Like clockwork
It was a calculated homicide
Unintentionally, of course...

Day 27 - Apologize & Day 28 - I listen...

2009-08-28T19:54:00.001-04:00

#27 - Apologize

I never saw life
Without you
Until it became
The harsh reality
That I have
To deal with
As each day passes
I took for granted
The person you were
In my life
Due to the circumstances
Of us
I didn't expect you
To always be there
I knew in my heart
You'd always be there
Because that's where
You've been
From the day
That life
Was breathed into
My lungs
And my journey
Was set
To the coordinates
Of your soul
The pain I feel
Is justified
Simply...
I brought it on myself
One of the downfalls
Of being human
We all make mistakes
And we all wish
To be forgiven
And though there are things
You will never forget
That I've done
Just know
That I love you
I've always loved you
And I'll keep loving you.
That...
I will never
Apologize for.
____________________
#28 - I listen...

I listen to the things
You tell me
Even when you're not speaking
The silent conversations
Are as important
As the ones
Spoken out loud
I pay attention
To the subtle cues
Like that look
In your eyes
When you just want
Comfort
And to be held
Or the extra umph
You put in your step today
Exuding your sex appeal
Like you want to go to work late
On purpose
What about that small sigh
You let out
That prompts me to ask,
"Baby, what's wrong?"
When, nothing's really wrong
You just like the satisfaction of knowing
You have all my attention
I listen...
To the way your body talks
In that language
When it feels good to you
So I give it to you
Until your mouth speaks
Those words
Of pleasure, ecstasy
And defeat...
"Baby, I'm about to..."
As those silent
Thoughts, sounds, and feelings
Spill into the room
Creating the perfect melody
Enticing my senses
See...
I listen.

Day 26 - Lost (2)

2009-08-26T21:06:00.000-04:00

Traveling
In this world
Alone
I am lost
Without you.
My thoughts
Are scattered
And unfinished
My heart aches
From the void
In my soul
It is a feeling
Of emptiness
With no end
And I realize...
I am nothing
Without you.

fin.

Day 25 - Directions...

2009-08-25T17:52:00.000-04:00

*this one is long, but my fav out of all the ones I've written this month...it was inspired by a meditaion I had on the way home today...*

I asked God
For directions
And he gave me
A compass and a book
And told me
That the compass
Will guide me through life
And to write in the book about my experiences
I asked,
How will I know when its time
To stop writing?
He told me...when the time came, I'd know
And to just do what I was told
And stop questioning everything
So much
To just live and be
And let life do the rest
So, with my compass
And book in hand
I did what I was told...
I chased the stars
I achieved my dreams
I weathered the storm
I cursed
I prayed
I was happy, sad...
And everything
But...
I overcame every obstacle put in my way
Because I was driven
By that compass
That was my guide
Through life
And the empty pages
Of my book
That had yet to be filled
Until that day...
I reached the end of the book
And the compass stopped.
I was frustrated, a little
Because I expected something
Spectacular to happen...
I stood there for a minute
Eyes closed, in deep thought...
When I opened my eyes
I looked down and saw a little soul
Standing in front of me
He looked just like me...
He strectches his arms out towards me
I didn't have anything to give him
All I had was a compass
That didn't work
And a book with no more clean pages
So...
I handed him the book
He smiled and said
Thank you Daddy
For giving me life...
In that moment, I realized
That throughout my life
I was writing the blueprint
For my seeds to follow...
So they wouldn't make the same mistakes
I made...

Day 24 - Fakes...

2009-08-24T23:13:00.001-04:00

There's nothing
Authentic
About you
The life you live
Is a life
You created
From TV, magazines
Fables passed down
And...
The internet
When you look
In the mirror
Do you even recognize
The eyes that are staring back
You made yourself
Based on what others think
And what they say
So what parts of you
Are real?
Your life
Is as fake
As that coach bag
On your shoulder.

to be continued...

Pain...

2009-08-24T00:38:00.000-04:00

"So many of us are trying to heal from the pain others have caused, that we forget to heal from the pain we've caused ourselves..."

-Sean

Day 22 - This Love & Day 23 - Exposed

2009-08-23T22:09:00.000-04:00

This Love

This love
Is new
But feels so familiar
It reminds me
Of the love
From my past
Bringing back
All the memories
The happiness, the joy,
The pain, the sadness,
The heartache, the struggle
The "I love you's"
And "I'm sorry's"
The arguments, the fights
The awkward silent moments
Left for the imagination
To fill in the words
And re-create the actions
I am reminded
Of the moments of intimacy
The love making
The way I felt
Looking into your eyes
But...its not
This love
Is new
With remnants of the past
Underneath
So strong
That I already feel like
I'm giving you
A second chance
And we've only
Just begun.
____________________
Exposed

You
Are so self-centered
Or you pretend to be
So much
That you don't even notice
The people you've stepped on
For your own personal gain
For your own selfish satisfaction
You complain about a love
That you want
But others aren't
Giving you
But don't know how to act
The moment you get it
I pity you
Because you restrict yourself
Behind your own rules
Regulations and boundaries
The moment
Someone steps
Outside that boundary
Either by something done
Or said
You quickly move on
To the next
With no explanation
Or hesitation
But what's even sadder
Is that the "next"
Has been there the whole time
Impatiently waiting
For the mess up
Behind the scenes
Only to gloat about the prize
Like love and feelings are a game
Maybe its a game to you
But to me, that's hardly the case
I'll only be your fool once
Because I know
That your narcissistic cycle
Will never end
Until you officially grow up
And realize what you're doing
Don't worry,
Your secret's safe with me.

Day 21 - I Live...

2009-08-21T22:11:00.001-04:00

If I could
Relive
A moment in time
It would be
When our eyes met
All motion stopped
Everyone and everything
Disappeared
It was only you and I
My heart skipped
A beat
And that beat
Was your heart
Echoing
The perfect rhythm
My mouth opened
And the breath
Escaped my lungs
I was speechless
Overcome by the
Overwhelming feeling
Of forever
That I saw
When our eyes met
In that moment
Over and over
I live...

Day 20 - My Best...

2009-08-20T22:59:00.000-04:00

Through all
The ups and downs
The side to side
And in between
All the false promises
Of happiness
Out of everything
That has happened
I know that you
Will always
Be there
In my corner
By my side
Always trying
To protect me
Because I'd give my everything
To protect you
You give me the truth
When I don't want it
And make me see the real
When my mind tries to sell you
Those big dreams of
"She is the one" [lmao]
One of the only women
I love
More than anything
In this world
She is
My best...

*for my best...N.D.A.*

Day 19 - Sinful...

2009-08-19T21:17:00.000-04:00

I lust...
For her body
More
Than her beauty
At times
I could care less
What she looks like
I just want
To indulge myself
In her
Over and over
Until my selfish cup
Runs over
Some would call it
Gluttony
I call it...
Getting mine
I dare not share her
Not even with
Herself
I'm greedy, none the less
So sue me
Too proud to tell her
That I love her
I mean
I really do
I guess...
At times I resent her
For being so beautiful
And having beautiful thing
With my envious mind
That idles at times
And I wonder...
Where she is
Who she's with
And where she's going
Often times, evoking
Anger and rage
From the depths
Of my spirit
Unleashing my wrath
Upon her
Even when
She doesn't deserve it
She tells me
She loves me
All the time
But I brush it off
Indifferent...
With a slothful soul
I only want
Her body
Her beauty
And everything else
Is secondary.

Day 18 - Time...

2009-08-18T15:38:00.000-04:00

They say
Time heals
All wounds
But what if
You run out
Of time
Trying to heal
A wound
That keeps being
Opened, exposed
And damaged?
Fresh bandages
Don't stand
A chance
Once the open wound
Has been
Infected
And spreads
Making you numb
And immune
To the feeling
That caused
The wound
In the first place.

Day 17 - Reflection

2009-08-17T19:34:00.000-04:00

I sit
And reflect
Listening
To the sounds
Of the silence
That surrounds me
And envelops me
In an embrace
Of comfort
The solitude
That accompanies me
Is my solace
And I realize
That I
Am at peace.

Day 15 - Stalker and Day 16 - Wrong

2009-08-16T15:28:00.000-04:00

Stalker

I changed my name
Changed my number
But I still
Can't seem
To get rid
Of you.
You tormented me
In a past life
And stalk me
In the present
I promise
You will be
Completely eradicated
In the future
Never to be spoken of
Again.
_____________________

Wrong

Pure
Unconditional
Forever enduring
The love that I have
For you
No restrictions
No restraints
No hesitation
No second thoughts
I love you
An understood feeling
Between us
That the rest of the world
Constantly throws shade at
They say I'm wrong
For loving you
The way I do
I guess I'll be wrong
For the rest
Of my life
Because loving you
From day one
Has always
Been right.

Day 14 - Enough

2009-08-14T18:24:00.000-04:00

My mind
Is beyond tired
Of the harsh words
Thoughts, statements
Comments, and remarks
You make
Both in and out of anger
My body
Is fed up
With the bruises
You inflict
When I don't do
What you say
Or acquiesce
To your physical
Commands
My heart
Is done aching
From the feelings
Of worthlessness
Emptiness, pain
Sadness and anguish
My soul
Is sick
Of the captivity
You have confined it to
Just because you think
I won't leave...
Today is the day
That my mind, heart, body and soul
Align
And decide together
That
Enough
Is
Enough
I don't need you.

Day 13 - Bullshit...

2009-08-13T01:28:00.001-04:00

The bullshit
You spit
In my ear
Camouflaged as
Sincere feelings
Travel over my brain waves
Discarded
And filtered down
Still in complete sentences
To my heart
Heartbeat accelerates
As my love organ
Attempts to process
The bullshit
But can't...
So it continues
To pass through
My system
Only to find itself
Exiting from the rear
Because the toilet
Is the only thing
That has room for
The bullshit
That you spit.

fin.

Day 12 - Antagonist

2009-08-12T09:00:00.000-04:00

Life...
Is disappointing
So please don't stress yourself
About disappointing me
Because nine times out of ten
I'm already disappointed
So when it happens
Your words and actions
Have the same disappointing
Sad ending
As they did in the beginning
So I'm not surprised
Or hurt
Because I already knew
You'd disappoint me
Its a lifeless routine
With the same outcome
I don't have any expectations
Because they lead
To more disappointment
I only really had one...
For you to be yourself
At all times
And of course, here goes
The disappointment
How could you mess up
Something so simple?
The authenticity in being yourself
Is never a disappointment.

Day 11 - Unfinished moments...

2009-08-11T19:18:00.000-04:00

We are through...
So why do I feel
Compelled
To keep you close
And love you
Like I do
Maybe due to
Lack of closure
Or the abruptness
Of how we ended
Or maybe...
Just maybe
I love you that much
Enough to mend
My heart
With this homemade
Temporary adhesive
So that I can be
Who you need me to be
Maybe something
Is indeed better than nothing
When it comes to you
I digress...
One day
I'll figure it out
One day
I'll get my head out the clouds
And face the reality
Of today
Rather than looking at the
Big picture
With its perfect ending
Hoping that one day
You'll come back
To me...
To us
And realize
That we are...
No more
But I can't...
Not as long
As these unfinished moments
Still exist.

Day 10 - Sweetest drug

2009-08-10T01:15:00.000-04:00

One taste
Of her nectar
I was hooked
In an instant
I became a fiend
For her love
With no desire
To be cured
I was addicted
To her
She is...
The sweetest drug.

Day 9 - Overtime

2009-08-09T18:02:00.000-04:00

I need a break
From this so-called
Life
But I was just informed
Of the mandatory
Overtime.

Life never stops...

Day 8 - Jump...

2009-08-08T10:54:00.001-04:00

Standing close
To the edge
You look over
Into the abyss
Wondering how long
The drop is
Before you hit the ground
Hesitant to enter
A world
Unknown to you
To think thoughts
That never crossed
Your mind
To feel feelings
That are new
To your heart
To experience
The one thing
You've been searching for
Your whole life
Go ahead
Jump...
I promise
I'll catch you.

Day7 - You don't love me...

2009-08-07T18:04:00.000-04:00

I took a deep breath
And looked into those eyes
That stared back at me
And said,
If you give me
A chance
I can show you
Better than I can tell you
That you have always been
My number one
Your eyes pondered
Trying to digest
What I've said
Probably remembering
All the times
I put you aside
To do and be with
Someone else...
I digress,
It is by no fault of my own
That I am so detached
From you
And from us
I'm trying to love you
The way that you should be
It just takes time...
Turning to face me
You took a deep breath
Of your own
Inhaling the breath
That I exhaled
Taking in the remnants of me
And into those eyes,
That stared back at you
You said,
You don't love me enough...

The mirror never lies.

Day 6 - Reality

2009-08-06T11:44:00.002-04:00

Maybe if I stopped
Loving you
I wouldn't feel so
Incomplete
And realize that
All I need in this life
In this life
To be complete
Is me.

Day 5 - Write to live...

2009-08-05T21:16:00.002-04:00

A life
As blank
As the canvas
I use
To paint
The vivid pictures
And images
With these words
Only equipped
With paper
And pen
I carve,
Sand,
And chip away
Like a carpenter
I perfect my craft
And I write
With precision
Giving hope
To the hopeless
Fortune
To the less fortunate
And life
To the lifeless
I write
To live.

Day 4 - The pawn

2009-08-04T21:26:00.000-04:00

Moving forward
One step
At a time
Never moving backwards
So the past
Remains unseen
And forgotten
Simply because
When I look towards
The future
And see what's in front
Of me
All I see
Is the end
Of the game
Hoping that I make it
To the Queen
As other pieces
And players are chosen
Over me
Moving quicker
Or faster
In more intricate motions
Than just
Moving forward
One step
At a time
And one by one
Each piece
Is lured
Conquered
And pushed to the side
By you
I wait patiently
And watch you play
This game
Until its my turn to
Move.
Forward.
Check mate.

Day 3 - Pitiful soul...

2009-08-03T21:24:00.000-04:00

A pitiful soul
Is not really
Pitiful
Just tempered
And reserved
Taking just a few more
Seconds
To think things
Through
Taking a few more
Moments
To enjoy
This thing called life
Understanding that time
Has no time limit
So precious
It has to be cherished
And not taken
For granted
A tempered soul
Reserved
And serene
Taking a little bit
More time
To care
To feel
To love.

30/30 Day 2 - The good...

2009-08-02T21:21:00.001-04:00

Why is it
That people always
Remember the bad things
You've done
Before they even
Acknowledge
The good
In you
That one mistake
Never forgiven
Never forgotten
No matter how much
People try
And convince you
That they have
They always find a way
To bring it up
Once more
Attacking and badgering
The good in you
Because the good things
Actions, words
And everything in between
Is never
Good enough.

30 poems in 30 days... Day 1 - She never...

2009-08-01T21:13:00.001-04:00

She never had to
Say a word
Because I already knew
Exactly
What was on her mind
I knew
Her every
Mental step
A connection
That was formed
The moment
Our eyes met
Telling the story
Of our lives
And a love
That will last
Forever

This month's challenge is 30 poems in 30 days... I realize that there are 31 days in august, but day 31 will be a reflection of this experience... I hope you all enjoy...

Does Your Wife Have To Be Your Soulmate?

2009-07-25T22:03:00.000-04:00

I feel that your wife SHOULD be your soulmate because there will always be that missing piece of you that lies within your soulmate that your wife does not possess. No matter how much in love you are with your wife, or convinced that she is truly "the one," with a void as deep as missing your soulmate, can you really function and be that spouse that your wife (or husband) needs 100%? At what point will you or your spouse be so overwhelmed with this feeling of incompletion that you or they just up and leave? 5 yrs, 10yrs, 20 or more yrs? Or do we just become content and complacent with not spending the rest of our lives w/our soulmate that we substitute our spouse or partner into that position and just live with it?

I'm sorry, but I'd rather marry my soulmate than have a wife that may never be able to complete me in that way. Until its revealed to me that my soulmate and I are not supposed to be married but just be a presence in each other's lives forever, then I prefer to be by myself...its the safest thing to keep feelings from being misconstrued and/or hurt...I can stand hurting myself, just not bringing pain to others...

I know she's out there though... And I've probably already met her...

Just some thoughts...

Peace.

Transgender Mysteries segment on CNN...

2009-07-24T22:38:00.003-04:00

Tonight, CNN aired a segment called "Transgender Mysteries" and the mayor of Oregon, Stu Rasmussen was on the panel, as well as an FTM named Ryan, a specialist, and off location was Isis, the MTF that was recently on a season of ANTM. I applaud CNN for attempting to shed some light on transgender individuals, but I was disturbed by this show, for several reasons. I feel that, in a way, it further fueled the misconception of transgender people and offered further justification to think we are "confused."

For one, Stu stated that he has "male sex" with his wife but prefers to dress and present himself as a woman. He does not consider himself a lesbian. He is in real life terms, a crossdresser, hormones or not. For him to go on a show like that to help "clear up the misconception," and say something like that, just compounded the problem, because now, in my eyes, the public sees him as a freak show. By all accounts, Stu would be considered a lesbian, going on outward appearance only, because he wants to be viewed as a woman. But, in politically correct sexual terms, only MEN have "male sex" with women. Lesbians mimick the action with dildos, straps, etc. I don't know, maybe I'm misinterpreting his overall message, but this just bothered me.

It just gives justification for trans people not being accepted by mainstream society, in my opinion. Stu's representation just made us look like being trans is flip flopping between genders when we feel like it. I'm not saying that he can't express him/herself sexually the way he see's fit, its his choice of wording. He could have said, "I prefer to known as a female, but I express myself sexually as I see fit. My wife has no problem w/my gender presentation.". Because, for all intensive purposes, Stu is a lesbian if she wants to be viewed as a woman and has a wife, which would make his marriage null and void. If Stu is still a woman who has "male sex" and just wants to be seen as a woman b/c dressing that way makes him a crossdresser.

I'm sorry for those of you who may feel otherwise, but this is just my take on a part of the show that really bothered me. Overall, I'm glad that CNN took the time to address this and shed light on the fact that trans people do exist and we are not going anywhere anytime soon.

I just want fair representation when it comes to trans awareness and visibility...

Peace,
-Sean

a friend

2009-07-14T23:46:00.000-04:00

"A friend never talks about what they've done for others, they just do it and know that blessings flow to people who give selflessly..."

-Sean.

Peace

change...

2009-07-14T00:13:00.000-04:00

Peace to all... I know I haven't blogged in a few weeks, but thing have been busy in my world... I'll try to do better...

Tonight/this morning's topic is change... A word that is frequently used, but like love, few people know the true meaning... Or it gets misconstrued along the way so that things people do is interpreted as change, when it really isn't...

To change can mean a total revamping of your life, or altering what you do already...change can be simple or complex... Something simple would be changing the time that you normally go home, or the route you take. Something complex would be...transitioning whether it be gender, a new job, a new location, et cetera.

Some people change for the good, and some for the bad, due to influence, peer pressure, opinions, or whatever... But I feel that true change begins with yourself...if you're not ready to take the steps to change, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or how they feel... The change is not genuine if its not going to be through and through... That's just like trying to motivate and help someone who doesn't feel it in their heart... Prepare to bang your head against that brick wall you've been talking to all along...

The point of this blog is to simply state...if you need a change, do it...what's the worst that can happen? You will discover that its not for you...and that's perfectly fine...you never know until you try. But don't base your changing on pleasing or appeasing others. True friends will always be there for you, even if it takes you a while to realize the need for change. Every man/woman must take his or her own journey through life and the changes that come with it... Just be there for your friends no matter what they're going through...no one deserves to experience this thing called life alone.

If your change has come...embrace the change, love the change, and live the change...if not, then it's coming...just be patient and be the best person you can be until you can bring the change to your current situation and circumstances...

Change is what the world is all about, just make sure you're changing for the good and doing positive things...

Peace.

forever and a day...

2009-06-27T14:31:00.001-04:00

*my wedding gift to my best friend and her fiance'*

I love you
Forever and a day
Every time I look
Into your eyes
I am convinced
That we were meant
To be
Two lives
That crossed paths
At the perfect moment
To make one
To live, love, and be happy
With each other
Together
Forever.
With you I have found
That I can love someone
Other than myself
With as much intensity
And passion
As I love myself
And even more
You complete the sentences
Written by my mind
And conduct the songs
Written in my heart
And sung by my soul
There is no other place
That I’d rather be
Than with you
To have you as my wife
My partner, my companion,
And my life
I love you…
Forever and a day.

-Sean.

Brehanna and Takka Farley – June 27th, 2009

freedom in the eyes...

2009-06-26T00:35:00.002-04:00

this is a poem from my 3rd or 4th book of poetry (haven't figured out the rotation just yet) called transItion (i, transition)...for my brothers...

freedom…in the eyes

freedom…
in the eyes
of the black man
is sometimes bleak
and unattainable
but most of the time
it is great
and well within reach
the ability to provide for
and protect his family
by any and all means
it is survival
being able to sustain life
on all levels
freedom…
in the eyes
of the black man
is strength
truth
knowing that
the Kings and Queens
that walk the earth
are the seeds that were
planted in the womb
of the black woman
the motivation and willingness
to lay the foundation
for the future.

061808

do you remember this?

2009-06-24T00:18:00.002-04:00

*this is from my old diaryland.com blog...eons ago...lol...but the feeling never dies...i posted this to see if [you] would remember... thank you for always being in my corner...it means so much to me...

Saturday, Jan. 04, 2003 - 9:10 p.m.

Have you ever had true passion for someone??? Not like sexual passion, lust, or infatuation...but passion to know more about them??

Passion for their mind?? Passion for their heart?? Passion for their soul??

Would you endure the unthinkable just to fulfill that passion?? Would you give up everything you were just to be by their side, because it means so much??

Would you allow your passion to fuel their passion to know more about you??

When you find your answers, will you let your passion die?? Would your quest be fulfilled...or are the possibilities of passion endless??

Have you ever sat and thought about what your true passions were?? Or how to go about quenching this hunger??

My passion is to know everything I can and more about you...I never knew that there was someone out there almost exactly like me...When I look at your pictures, in your eyes, I see my reflection...It's almost like a small piece of me was hidden inside of you, patiently waiting for our paths to cross...In a past life, we were destined to meet again...I was once your Osiris, and you my Isis...Overcoming every obstacle, victorious in every battle, doing the undoable...A valiant king, with you, my beautiful queen, by my side...Sitting at my right hand with the world under at our feet...And now...

I sit here wondering why sometimes I lose sight of the big picture...I settle for things that I know aren't good for me...and often times I push the important things and people to the back of my mind...Forgetting their importance in my life...forgetting the true meaning of their worth...All for what?? Lust...living out an imaginary life, with an imaginary wife who never loved me to begin with, only to end up with me heartbroken and beating myself up because of it...Insolence clouded my mind...my true perception of people and things was altered...I lost my PASSION for you...All the plans I had made wiped out by a caress that wasn't even true to me...And now...

I sit here wanting to say to much to you...but we haven't talked in so long, how would that make me look?? desperate?? alone?? needy?? My lack of communication has me sitting here writing in this diary now...No need in wallowing in my own self pity...The only thing to do now is make it better...to right the wrong within myself...But...

You probably forgot about me...moved on with your life...you probably think that the smile on the countenance that once admired your strength, your intelligence, your beauty, your elegance is just another "one of those types"...You probably found yourself in a love greater than what I could give you...Fulfilling your every want, your every desire...And now...

Here I am...wondering what could have been...searching for answers to my many questions...Like

Do you ever find yourself thinking about me from time to time??

Do you ever wonder if I'm thinking about you??

Could you see yourself being with someone like me??

What are your passions??

Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?? 10 years??

What inspires you to write??

What do you write about??

How long does it take you to get ready for work or school or to go out??

What keeps a smile on your face??

What's your favorite food??

And so forth...I think about you...I know it's hard to believe, but I do...Trying to do all my research and answer my own questions...fulfill my own passions...sometimes I do, mostly I don't for the one, simple, underlying factor...

My passion is you...

life...

2009-06-23T23:45:00.000-04:00

i was asked what was one thing that i want people to know about me... and my answer was simple "from the day i was born...i survived life..." so, this post will expand on that sentence...please bear with me... sometimes my feelings get displaced and scattered when i write, but i'll try to stay on task with this one...

when i was born...the umbilical cord was wrapped around my neck and i was blue... not only that, the placenta had become detached from my mother's womb...the doctors told her that if i was born the next day, i wouldn't have made it...i guess that friday was my lucky day...i was 2lbs 7oz, small enough to fit in the palm of someone's hand, just about...with no real hopes and dreams, just struggling to make it to the next day... little did i know...that this wouldn't be the first obstacle, and probably not the last that i would face in my life... i was born premature...two months early, to be exact...i came home in feb of the next year, on my mother's 16th birthday... the start of a childhood that i was robbed blindly of...

as i grew up, i was promised that my mother and father would get married and he, my little sister, my mom, and i would be a family... that's why she gave me his last name... somewhere down the line, that didn't work out, and he ended up marrying another woman and having 4 children with her...they were...a family... he was the father to them that he barely was to us... then he fell off by the wayside and wasn't too much a father to any of us... but i survived...without him playing a major part in my life... my grandmother is my rock, always and forever will be... she made sure that my sister and i had everything we needed and then some while my mother ran the streets, getting high and doing who knows what else... it was rough growing up... seeing your clothes, shoes, tv's, and anything else of value walk out of the house... imagine being young and seeing the kids across the street with your brand new clothes on... clothes that you picked out and loved, but never go to wear... my mother put men above my sister and i... there were times where we wouldn't eat until my grandmother go home from work which would be close to 9 at night...

*note* this blog is not to throw salt on my mom or any of my family for that matter... it's just to get out my thoughts and feelings about what has happened in my past...*

my mother went to jail... the feds got her during a drug bust at the drug dealer's house up the street... i remember i used to play basketball on the court him and his sons built in their back yard every single day... my love for sports started young... we went to visit her while she was in the fed, and it looked like she was changing for the better... she got her GED, was into church, and even looked healthier... better than the skin and bones i was used to... i was proud of my mother that she was getting her act together, and surviving... little did i know that she would just revert back to her old ways when she came back home... *shrugs* i was used to it though... not seeing her for days and days at a time... or seeing her spaced out... aggressive, bug-eyed...crazy... i survived that part of my life... only to be sent through the ringer in my later years...

i wasn't a rambunctious child... i stayed to myself... started writing seriously when i was 9 years old... writing was my friend... the only thing i knew that would not let me down, because i knew that i would never let myself down... i guess that's just the sag in me... there is a period of my life that i am going to call *the gray area* just because... i will never talk about it on here... not that it's too painful...there's just a time and a place for everything... let's just say that it took some time for me to forgive those who wronged me in the ways that they did... but i survived every encounter...

i graduated high school with honors... and went on to college... where i fashioned myself into what i thought i should be, based on the viewpoints and opinions of others... knowing that in my mind and heart, that wasn't who i really was... but just doing it to get by... with the lowest amount of conflict and drama possible... all i wanted to do was just live and be me... but i couldn't' because i honestly didn't know who i was... i was a chameleon, for lack of better terms... i will admit that i assimilated and molded myself into what others thought i should be... that was one of my survival tactics... just do it for now... you won't have to do it forever... just to get to the next level... probably the wrong way of thinking, but it worked... in some areas...not all... but i've always held on to the fabric of who i was...the inner being...

my relationships suffered... a great deal... then things started spiraling out of control and one thing led to another... my girlfriend at the time left me for someone with a better job and more security...someone to keep a roof over her and my kids' heads... more stability... only to find out that it was a front... revealing a woman beater... but, she survived it and left, and i'm proud of her for that... i sacrificed a lot of things, all in the name of love... maybe a little too much... i got evicted from the apartment she left me in... ended up living with one of my co-workers and her boyfriend in a one bedroom apartment... before i moved in with them, i would stay with people on campus... or sleep in my car in one of the well lit parking lots... when it was time for me to go to work on the weekends, i would sleep in my job parking lot after everyone had left for the night... then wake up early and go get something to eat and act like i was coming from "my house" or wherever i was staying... when my residence was that same parking lot... that was 2005, the year i was supposed to graduate... needless to say, i didn't make it across the stage... my car was repo'd 3 months before graduation and i had no way to get back and forth because i barely knew how to ride the bus... my pride wouldn't let me... so i saved my money and got another car... charged fall 05 to the game and decided to keep it moving... because i had survived the lowest point in my life...

when my cousins, who were around the same age as me died in 2004 (mind you, i still to this day have not mourned them...), i asked myself, if i died today, would i be happy with the person i was? and my answer was always no... because i was never at a point of completion... sometimes i feel like i'm still searching for that point, but i know with the changes i've made in my life here recently, i am closer than i've ever been...

by holding on to who i truly was... and surviving life.

peace.