missing pieces...

sn: i started a blog on tumblr...not sure which site i like more... as long as i have a place to vent, then it doesn't matter where... sn over, on to the blog...

i've been thinking a lot lately about myself... not the internal me, the external me... i just want to be seen as a regular guy... just a normal man... i loathe the word transman... i was talking to one of my brothers about that earlier today... i've been a man for quite some time, this isn't some fly by night thing... i may not have looked like one, per say, but it's not how you look, it's about how you feel on the inside... i've always known who he was, i'm just waiting on everyone else to catch up... and frankly, it's getting a little old... i'm over the hype, the shock, the surprise, the wonder, everything...just over it... i am a man of transitional experience...to put a definition on it... maybe after i move somewhere no one really knows me it'll be better... i'm ready to start over... like yesterday.

a long time ago i had the life that i wanted... i was in school, had a job, a fiancee', a family... i was, for the most part, externally happy... my kids were my everything... even though we had a routine from day to day that included getting up, getting dressed, dressing the kids, breakfast, daycare, dropping her off at work, going to school, going to work, then picking everyone up and going home, dinner, kids bath, bedtime, and "mommy & daddy" time...then get up and repeat... except on the weekends, and the every other week that we didn't have them... the point is... i miss having a family to provide for and come home to everyday... i miss doing family things and teaching my kids important things that they will take with them through life... i miss playing with them, the park, the movies, just watching them be innocent little kids that don't know anything about struggle, paying bills, and being an adult... watching them grow up, go to school, do homework, go to programs, games, PTA meetings, etc... (sn: i am not saying that i want my family back, because my kids know that i love them and will always love them, and i have a great relationship w/their mother, the example was for this blog...)

what i'm saying is... i know that there is more to my life that what it is right now... i know that i have a capacity to love that goes beyond an intimate relationship with another adult, a friendship, my immediate family, etc... i feel like i'm missing so much right now being here... alone.

i have missing pieces... and having a family is one of them.

peace.