A conversation between my sister and I today via text message...
Her: The family is concerned about you, are you ok?
Me: I'm fine...Just deciding to stay to myself for a little bit. Honestly, it's kinda hard being around yall & still being called "old name" and she, when that's not who I am anymore... I know that everyone doesn't understand it or whatever, so I just decide to be alone.
Her: Ok. But I hope you don't expect them to stop treating you like "old name" when that's what they have been doing for 28 years.
Me: All I want is to be addressed correctly. Me changing my name is no different than someone getting married & changing their name.
Her: They will never call you Sean. Are you going to stop talking to them for that?
I never replied back. It's a reason why. Life always has it's way of showing you the truth, whether you want to accept it or not. I've played these scenarios in my head over and over since I stopped being around my family a few weeks ago, hoping that something more would come out of it. Understanding, compassion, effort...something. But this is my family, why the hell was I expecting anything different? Excuse me, was my family. If I could put how I feel right now into words, I would... But, ironically, I feel nothing. Because it just solidifies everything I've been preparing myself for these past few weeks.
I stand...alone. Tall, with my head held high, ready to face the rest of this life and experience everything that it brings. With every disappointment, comes triumph, with every failure comes success, and I will be everything that I am destined to be...with, or without them...
peace.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Saturday, December 26, 2009
(un)happy home...
this is a freewrite...enjoy
every night
she comes home
to a man
she's not in love with
yes, she loves him
but it's not the same
as it used to be.
it's like living
with a stranger
the person who once was
everything
is now...
close to nothing
the essence and wonder
of the love they shared
over the years
has dwindled down
to dry "good mornings"
or not even speaking
to finally end
with the space between them
in the bed
getting wider and wider
as each night passes
the remnants of
and (un)happy home.
everyday he wakes
hoping that his eyes
will meet
that beautiful smile
he once woke up to
each morning
warming, loving, gentle
he longs to feel
the sincerity
in the softness of her lips
each night
before he retires
to his sleep
a hope
that has become as silent
as the moments spent
eating dinner at the table
because that's what
they were used to doing
it has now become routine
not to say anything
not because neither of them
wanted to
but because
there was nothing else
to be said.
nothing else to do
but face the inevitable
of this (un)happy home.
each night
they dream
of someone else
living a life
very different
from the reality
their days and nights
are spent in now
forcing themselves
to live and be
together
because, right now,
no one wants
to face the truth
of loving someone
but not being in love
of failed attempts
at rebuilding
while each day
they constantly stare
at
the end
no one wants to
speak up
or pack their bags
they've invested too much time
energy, and other things
into what they have
so,
what is it exactly?
the foundation
of an (un)happy home.
122609
peace.
every night
she comes home
to a man
she's not in love with
yes, she loves him
but it's not the same
as it used to be.
it's like living
with a stranger
the person who once was
everything
is now...
close to nothing
the essence and wonder
of the love they shared
over the years
has dwindled down
to dry "good mornings"
or not even speaking
to finally end
with the space between them
in the bed
getting wider and wider
as each night passes
the remnants of
and (un)happy home.
everyday he wakes
hoping that his eyes
will meet
that beautiful smile
he once woke up to
each morning
warming, loving, gentle
he longs to feel
the sincerity
in the softness of her lips
each night
before he retires
to his sleep
a hope
that has become as silent
as the moments spent
eating dinner at the table
because that's what
they were used to doing
it has now become routine
not to say anything
not because neither of them
wanted to
but because
there was nothing else
to be said.
nothing else to do
but face the inevitable
of this (un)happy home.
each night
they dream
of someone else
living a life
very different
from the reality
their days and nights
are spent in now
forcing themselves
to live and be
together
because, right now,
no one wants
to face the truth
of loving someone
but not being in love
of failed attempts
at rebuilding
while each day
they constantly stare
at
the end
no one wants to
speak up
or pack their bags
they've invested too much time
energy, and other things
into what they have
so,
what is it exactly?
the foundation
of an (un)happy home.
122609
peace.
Differences...
Peace to all who take the time out of their days to read my blog... it is greatly appreciated. I hope that this one, like the others, finds a place in your heart or sparks some sort of inspiration...
The blog that I was supposed to post next, I wrote a couple of days ago, addressing a certain someone who seems to revolve his life around what I'm doing in my life... I'll probably never post it, because it isn't even worth stooping to his level anyway...my karma is clear, and that's how I'd like to keep it. The way I feel about it is this...REAL MEN don't hide behind false internet lives and computer screens...I haven't done anything to you but be Sean 24/7, 365 (366 on a leap year) so what's the issue? Maybe one day you'll man up and approach me, I know you have my phone number...I don't have yours because I don't waste memory in my blackberry for idle people and things. What you eat surely does not make me shit, but if you're going to slander my name, make it a good lie, okay? Thanks, CFO.
Now that that's out of the way, we can move on to the point of this blog... I've been thinking a lot about this thing called life, and how different people are, realizing, that often times, our differences are what make us the same...literally. We all have our requirements, but when it comes down to it, everyone wants the same things, just on different levels. Let's take love for an example. No matter how much we've been hurt, or how wrong we've been done...everyone has a desire to be loved. That makes us the same. What makes us different are the levels and intensity of the love we desire. Some of us want to be loved by family, others by friends, and some by our partners. No matter the person, situation, or circumstances...it all comes back to the same underlying factor...love. Another example would be success... we all have a desire to be successful in life, how we reach that success is what makes us different, and also what we would like to be successful doing. I want to be a successful writer and a lawyer...someone else might want to be a fashion designer, or a doctor. Again, different, but we all still want to achieve the level of success that will make us happy.
The point is... yes we come from different backgrounds, lifestyles, enviornments, etc., but we are all still human, we make mistakes, we laugh, we joke, we bleed, we cry (some of us)...and we are still the same. So we should take this common factor and use it to our advantage. If I know someone who is a talented writer, or who is trying to get their work out, I'll send them info...answer any questions, give them any advice I can. What's it going to hurt helping another person reach their goals? It should be a rewarding feeling to know you helped someone accomplish a life aspiration. But, some people make everything in life a competition and can't be helped. I don't deal with people like that. Everyone has a certain level of independence and needs to be able to hold their own at some point and time, but it takes a real grown up to put their pride and ego aside and ask for help or accept the help that they are being given. I'm not saying be some charity case or begger, but if you are going to reciprocate when you get to the top, sometimes you have to do what you have to do. Getting help from someone does not make you less than, unless you are ungrateful...or unappreciative. No real man or woman would take advantage of those who are lending a helping hand, under any circumstances.
If people took the time to step outside of themselves for one moment to do something selfless for another person, out of love and compassion, without looking for anything in return, the world would be a better place. Instead of doing things to bring someone down or knock someone down, reach your hand out and help them up...Instead of talking about one another, get to know someone...you may find a new lifelong friend, rather than an enemy. I do what I do because that's just the type of person I am...those who know me best also know this...I don't expect anything back, because I know my true friends have my back just like I have theirs, no hesitations, second thoughs, what if's or any of that. Money and all that material shit means nothing to me...it hasn't bought me what I've been searching for my whole life, so why should what I do with my money bother anyone else? I go to work everyday to earn my paycheck, at least until these books start making me enough money so I can quit working for somoene else, and start working for myself...lol. I would give all of this up to be in the place that I desire...yes, I'd be broke, but broke and happy as hell... it's just as simple as that.
Okay, people...I just wanted to drop a few lines...I have a cold so I'm going to chill out and continue resting this weekend.
peace.
The blog that I was supposed to post next, I wrote a couple of days ago, addressing a certain someone who seems to revolve his life around what I'm doing in my life... I'll probably never post it, because it isn't even worth stooping to his level anyway...my karma is clear, and that's how I'd like to keep it. The way I feel about it is this...REAL MEN don't hide behind false internet lives and computer screens...I haven't done anything to you but be Sean 24/7, 365 (366 on a leap year) so what's the issue? Maybe one day you'll man up and approach me, I know you have my phone number...I don't have yours because I don't waste memory in my blackberry for idle people and things. What you eat surely does not make me shit, but if you're going to slander my name, make it a good lie, okay? Thanks, CFO.
Now that that's out of the way, we can move on to the point of this blog... I've been thinking a lot about this thing called life, and how different people are, realizing, that often times, our differences are what make us the same...literally. We all have our requirements, but when it comes down to it, everyone wants the same things, just on different levels. Let's take love for an example. No matter how much we've been hurt, or how wrong we've been done...everyone has a desire to be loved. That makes us the same. What makes us different are the levels and intensity of the love we desire. Some of us want to be loved by family, others by friends, and some by our partners. No matter the person, situation, or circumstances...it all comes back to the same underlying factor...love. Another example would be success... we all have a desire to be successful in life, how we reach that success is what makes us different, and also what we would like to be successful doing. I want to be a successful writer and a lawyer...someone else might want to be a fashion designer, or a doctor. Again, different, but we all still want to achieve the level of success that will make us happy.
The point is... yes we come from different backgrounds, lifestyles, enviornments, etc., but we are all still human, we make mistakes, we laugh, we joke, we bleed, we cry (some of us)...and we are still the same. So we should take this common factor and use it to our advantage. If I know someone who is a talented writer, or who is trying to get their work out, I'll send them info...answer any questions, give them any advice I can. What's it going to hurt helping another person reach their goals? It should be a rewarding feeling to know you helped someone accomplish a life aspiration. But, some people make everything in life a competition and can't be helped. I don't deal with people like that. Everyone has a certain level of independence and needs to be able to hold their own at some point and time, but it takes a real grown up to put their pride and ego aside and ask for help or accept the help that they are being given. I'm not saying be some charity case or begger, but if you are going to reciprocate when you get to the top, sometimes you have to do what you have to do. Getting help from someone does not make you less than, unless you are ungrateful...or unappreciative. No real man or woman would take advantage of those who are lending a helping hand, under any circumstances.
If people took the time to step outside of themselves for one moment to do something selfless for another person, out of love and compassion, without looking for anything in return, the world would be a better place. Instead of doing things to bring someone down or knock someone down, reach your hand out and help them up...Instead of talking about one another, get to know someone...you may find a new lifelong friend, rather than an enemy. I do what I do because that's just the type of person I am...those who know me best also know this...I don't expect anything back, because I know my true friends have my back just like I have theirs, no hesitations, second thoughs, what if's or any of that. Money and all that material shit means nothing to me...it hasn't bought me what I've been searching for my whole life, so why should what I do with my money bother anyone else? I go to work everyday to earn my paycheck, at least until these books start making me enough money so I can quit working for somoene else, and start working for myself...lol. I would give all of this up to be in the place that I desire...yes, I'd be broke, but broke and happy as hell... it's just as simple as that.
Okay, people...I just wanted to drop a few lines...I have a cold so I'm going to chill out and continue resting this weekend.
peace.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
fix...
nothing in your life
is close
to being permanent
with the exception
of maybe
your name
but at times
your own identity
and self-worth are shaky
and the choices you make
often times
leave you with
those black spots
as you try and remember
what you did
the night before
but can’t
that large gray area
that could mean anything
under the sun, moon, and stars
as you search for the quick fix
that temporary high
that makes you feel loved
wanted, needed, and accepted
for the person you are
only to come down
frantically searching
for an even better fix
to make the feeling
of the last one
amplified
only to find out
maybe a little too late
that you might be searching
for the rest of your life.
from my next poetry book "untouched soul"
peace.
is close
to being permanent
with the exception
of maybe
your name
but at times
your own identity
and self-worth are shaky
and the choices you make
often times
leave you with
those black spots
as you try and remember
what you did
the night before
but can’t
that large gray area
that could mean anything
under the sun, moon, and stars
as you search for the quick fix
that temporary high
that makes you feel loved
wanted, needed, and accepted
for the person you are
only to come down
frantically searching
for an even better fix
to make the feeling
of the last one
amplified
only to find out
maybe a little too late
that you might be searching
for the rest of your life.
from my next poetry book "untouched soul"
peace.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Honesty...
In any relationship that I have with someone, whether it's friendship, lovers, etc., I expect a certain level of honesty from that person, because I'm going to be completely honest with them... I don't have the time nor the patience to keep up with a lie...or to keep one going... Don't get me wrong, I have lived a lie, but I won't tell a lie... I'd rather just tell the truth and spare your feelings later... In my eyes, it's just easier that way... Lies leave room for error and more questions...
Example... If I felt my partner slept with someone else and I ask... If they say no, that's their truth... I can doubt and question it, but I would believe them, hoping that they're telling the truth (alliteration...lol). But if we're having an argument and they say "that's why I slept with ______!" that sets off an alert in my head bc I remember when I asked they told me no... So my thoughts would be... Are you saying this to make me mad or to hurt me because you're mad? Or is this the truth and you actually lied the first time? So...I don't know what to believe and then there goes the trust. Right out the fucking window...
I say all this to make a point... Whatever level of relationship I have with you, just be honest with me...even if it hurts... I can't be mad at the truth, and I'll get over it. Don't make it worse by hiding and keeping secrets, because when I'm gone... I'm gone. I don't befriend people I can't trust, nor people I know who don't have my best interest at heart or who aren't really concerned with my well-being... The ones who are just around because they want to see the changes or treat me like I'm some experiment... How about experiment these nuts??? Lol...
I don't like having second thoughts, "in the back of my mind" thoughts, or anything like that... I think about enough shit on a daily basis without all the extras... So, with me, honesty really is the best policy...
peace.
Example... If I felt my partner slept with someone else and I ask... If they say no, that's their truth... I can doubt and question it, but I would believe them, hoping that they're telling the truth (alliteration...lol). But if we're having an argument and they say "that's why I slept with ______!" that sets off an alert in my head bc I remember when I asked they told me no... So my thoughts would be... Are you saying this to make me mad or to hurt me because you're mad? Or is this the truth and you actually lied the first time? So...I don't know what to believe and then there goes the trust. Right out the fucking window...
I say all this to make a point... Whatever level of relationship I have with you, just be honest with me...even if it hurts... I can't be mad at the truth, and I'll get over it. Don't make it worse by hiding and keeping secrets, because when I'm gone... I'm gone. I don't befriend people I can't trust, nor people I know who don't have my best interest at heart or who aren't really concerned with my well-being... The ones who are just around because they want to see the changes or treat me like I'm some experiment... How about experiment these nuts??? Lol...
I don't like having second thoughts, "in the back of my mind" thoughts, or anything like that... I think about enough shit on a daily basis without all the extras... So, with me, honesty really is the best policy...
peace.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
3 Sides...
**I had to take this down b/c I'm using this to put into an anthology... I'll put it back up soon...**
Thanks,
Sean
Thanks,
Sean
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